I like you C, you're a good audience.

I have been to so many gigs,
where I've never seen the band perform.

They're like mini reunions.
I spent the entire time talking to old friends.
The punk scene is like that.

My ex-boyfriend Coleman's band is on first.
They are called Roshambo,
and they are utterly shite.
But play fast.

S felt it his duty to heckle.
"Do you know any covers?"
(They have about 5 real songs,
the rest are Motorhead, Ramones
or Hagfish covers).
Coleman's school friends were there,
T & S,
T looks like Moby.
S was on the Einstein Factor for
his knowledge on Charlie Chaplin.
http://www.abc.net.au/einsteinfactor/txt/s1959072.htm

Fuck it was a funny night.
One of the best nights I've had in a long time.

S and I started talking about books,
bookshops, films, comedy, therapists, being crazy, uni,
love, partners/bestfriends, travelling, New York, racism,
Coleman's new girlfriend.

"So New York next hey?"
-Yeah, you should definitly go.
"Thanks for the affirmation."
His fiance is American,
and they're getting married this year,
so he'll have no trouble getting a green card.

We smoked on the street.
He did impressions of Chaplin, Woody Allen,
Ricky Gervais.
Live fast and die young?
Not me, live fast. Die old.

This being impossible.
Thus Gervais a genius.

I did my Diane monologue from Trainspotting.
He's impressed, I told him I was good at accents.
He invited me along when his friends go out
with Irish accents, I'll do my best Scottish.

He's going to show me a best of Marx brothers
and I'm going to show him Wes Anderson.
He told me about Kurt Vonnegut,
I told him about Thomas Pynchon.
He said I didn't know you knew comedy
or literature.
I suppose when we went around for BBQs,
I'd just sit in the background,
listening to all the crazy shit,
I'd never really talked to him.
I never feel I know enough.
Well enough.

He said I had personality oozing out of me.
He said "I like you C,
you're a good audience."


He asked if I thought he was crazy,
I said yes.
I am too, every single day.
I told him how I didn't want to drive anymore,
because I often look up and say "Oh I'm here!",
then wonder, well where was I when I was driving?
(Amongst other neurosis).
He said he doesn't have a licence for that reason.

I told him that I was gobsmacked that Bush
hadn't been assacinated.
He said he was too,
and that I'm the only other person who
uses the word gobsmacked.

Then we went back inside,
he borrowed money off T to buy me a drink.
We sat with Coleman and T.

Coleman has some big scary-nervous news.
He's awaiting the arrival
of a Blue Snaggletooth.


I like Star Trek but I refuse to like Star Wars.
So the Blue Snaggletooth will complete his
original collection.
He can sleep at night now.


If my bestfriend thought I was obnoxious,
she should try meeting these people.
Self-obsessed, stupidly passionate people.
They'll get into arguments over which Bowie album
is better, they'll recite lines to various films/books,
like they're the only ones in the room.
They'll quote comedians and say
"Who was I?"
What year, what book, what album.

And they'll sick up for me.
Coleman said that my obnoxious behaviour
was like saying "Its the drink/drugs talking,
if you're not like that in a day to day situation,
then no one should judge you for nothing."
Yay.
"Take for example, this girl. Look at her,
that's definitly the booze talking."
She was falling over, showing her arse,
picking up dropped money from the floor.


Then we sat in the booth,
where an odd girl came along,
"Are you in a band? Oh cool".
"Do you want to have a cigarette?"
Everyone says no, because we have street smarts.
S, perhaps too drunk to make sane judgements..
"Yeah" he stands up,
and looks at us shaking our heads.
He throws his hands up in the air.

Moments later she's followed him back in,
starts chatting to Coleman,
"So are you in the band."
T and S sneak away,
leaving us with the drugged out girl
from Craigieburn.
Then something sparks,
"Oh are yooose, twos together?"

YES! A perfect out!

-No, but we're on a date.

I give her the pleading look,
as typical Coleman, lost for words,
(can talk you into your grave about pop culture,
vintage rubbish, bands, toys, books, murderers)
sits there in silence.

She looks at me and says "Oh sorry, good luck".

Next tantrums with the band.
Coleman is talked into staying out.
Besides he's lost the key card to
the Medina room,
along with his jumper.

Which starts a sing-a-long.

Dancing at the disco,
bumper to bumper,
wait a minute...
Where's me jumper?

At midnight S turns 35.
Happy Birthday.

At 1am we are in the car.
They're drunk and noisy
and S says "Look at me being
loud and obnoxious,
I'm drunk, look at me knowing
I'm drunk and loud and still being obnoxious,
its my birthday I can do what I like."
-Have you got your seat belt on?
Finally I drop S and Coleman off.
Silence!
At 1.30 I am in bed.
At 2am I fall asleep.

I was invited to see S perform his comedy
next Sunday.
Its a little bit strange
to be hanging out with Coleman's highschool friend,
but we'll see.

I get home tonight to my
Mark Oliver Everett book,
on the back it says
'The Kurt Vonnegut of rock"
(Rolling Stone).
On the front it says
Rock music, Death, Crazy people, Love.

I might put Gravity's Rainbow down for a
few days whilst I read this.

I mentioned that,
because I like how things tie in nicely.

Who needs enemies when you've got friends.

Me, L, Dollface, B.

L & B are on holiday's from the coast.

We were walking through the train tunnel
near Dollface's house,
on the way to the pub.
I tell the girls,
Just before Christmas when my friend M was here,
the tunnel was flooded, R had to carry me because
I couldn't walk through the tunnel in my shoes.

R said
"Was that the time you were obnoxious?"

-When?

Dollface said
"When you were telling people their friends
were boring."

-No.

Oh fuck.
My bestfriend and her boyfriend,
must have really hated me that night.

Remembering the past is sometimes better than being there.

I posted my application for
Graphic Design for Beginners.

I called mam a few days ago
to ask if I could spend Christmas money
on a design course instead of a bicycle.
She said "I told you to do that course years ago".

She also told me not to buy a flat a few years ago,
when I had the money to.

So she's not always right.
***********************************************

I am going through my previous blog
that I'd printed out.

Here's a few lines:

9th October 2006.
Some fucker at the pub:
"Morning, you're still beautiful".
-Well I'm not going to wake up ugly.

6th October 2006.
New Month's Resolutions:
...yeah exactly.
Sweet fuck all.

2nd October 2006.
Possible replies from me:
"Look, its easier for me
to imagine that you died".

29th September 2006.
I laughed at the Dr's today.
There's nothing wrong with me.

Huge silence,
as if in deep contemplative
unrestricted realism
and then a flash of unbridled fear;
writing to my friend,
I discover,
that my last two boyfriends
didn't leave me for anyone else.

13th September 2006.
I got car sick in the taxi,
delivering the gift.
I told the driver that I might need to drive.

21st of June 2006.
Winter solstice.
Daylight hours = 10h 25m.
I have to spend 8 of them at work.
2 of them travelling to work.
What a jib.
I hate jibs.

(Re: when you eat something in front
of other people and they comment).

Generally, this sort of thing happens
with the fatter people.

9th June 2006.
Got another 27/30 for
Scientific and Quantitative Literacy.
I am such a girly swot.

7th June 2006.
Wow, I just realised
that I went to see a therapist in April.

I don't remember being crazy in April.

10th May 2006.
A poem, driving back from camping.

This country clings to life
like a flame to a dying match.
Vast barren wasteland
takes my breath away,
in that suffocating way
that water does.

17th March 2006
A conversation with my optometrist,
whilst he was doing my eye exam.
I just smile.

"You look like someone from Happy Days".
"You look like someone who doesn't get stressed".
"You're very calm".

"Do you know Harry's Diner?"
-At Windsor? Yes.
"See you must be cool,
because no one else would know about it,
that's the type of girl you look like".

"I'm feeling really plain next to you,
look, you've even got a cool bag".

"You need glasses".

On the way back to the office,
feeling quite good about myself.
E calls and says
"I sent you a really mean email".
-Thanks for letting me know man.

5th August 2005.
Phone conversation with a student.

"So what have you been up to?".
-Celebrating moving offices with cake and pro-vice chancellors.
"And champagne?"
-No, coffee, its too early for champagne,
and there'd only be one glass
and just having one glass will make me fall asleep.

He sent me an email later that day:

~*~
Do I hear from you again regarding this re-enrolment?
If not, we should get in touch anyway?
I don't usually..
I know how that sounds..
do this
but I wouldn't mind this time :)
~*~

His name was Moritz,
I spied on him when he was eating his lunch.

22nd July 2005.
Bad thing to say in a staff meeting.

A gives his speech about how bad our area is,
and how little assistance we receive to do our jobs.
At the end he says
"Well that's my two cents worth".
I said -Well you can have some change back.

Everyone laughs.
A said that he laughed,
because everyone else was laughing,
but he didn't get it.

12th July 2005.
Friends who have shots of Jagermeister
waiting for you
when you arrive at the bar
are worth keeping.

28th June 2005.
I found a cafe where I can sit
and read for long periods of time,
without looking like my blind date hasn't shown.

27th June 2005.
Got told off again for using my skipping rope
and answering a call in the office.

What they should do is congratulate me on being
able to do two things at once.

21st June 2005.
Boss comes in and tells me to take all the crap off my walls.

I replace it with size 70 font, A4 poster.
"I FEEL LIKE I'M A TEMP!"

L comes over
"What's your name?"
-Rebecca
"How long have you been working here?"
-I started today as a temp.
Walking away she says
"I don't talk to temps".

11th June 2005.
Moving offices.

Quite proud of the time its taken
to make my desk look like I've been here two years,
instead of two days.
J comes over and said
"You're such a Virgo, look at your desk already".

Everyone else was still plugging bits of machine in.

1st June 2005.
I asked A if living alone would make me creepy.
he said he didn't think it was something you 'became'.
Thank christ.

If you're gonna scream, scream with me.

I felt so sad, my friend emailed,
to say he wasn't happy.
His wife has post natal depression.
I want life to be easier for my friends.
I want everyone to be alright.

~*~
Well no I am not very happy
but thats OK I am not
at liberty to have emotions
because of the Post Natal depression.

I get home from work
feed kids
try to get them to bed
then eat dinner
then go to bed,
I am insane.

I wish I caught up with u at xmas
didn't know u were up until u left.

talk soon I hope.
getting your email is so far the hilight of my week.
~*~

How do I answer this?
I dedicated a colour palette to depression.
Its my new hobby at work.
http://www.colourlovers.com/lover/hellojett

Yesterday he said
I will always love you.
So he's helping me out in a way too.
Its nice to be loved.

I replied and said:
~*~
You're not insane, and you're not going insane.
I think you're doing a great job by the sounds of it.
I don't imagine most parents really do much besides work
and care for the children.

I only had a quick visit with the family at Christmas,
2.5 days,
I was going to meet up with everyone for breakfast,
but I ran out of time.
I'll come up again soon.
It'll be a good excuse for everyone to get out of the house.

If you're gonna scream, scream with me?
~*~

~*~
If you're gonna Scream, Scream with me
gave me the biggest smile I've had for a long time.
thanks for everything C.
~*~

The end.
He's cheered up already.
That was our secret password.

I once asked him if I was good looking.
He said "You're not conventionally good looking,
but there is something about you".
Nice one.
_____________________________________________
The Loud American (L) in the office has been annoying me all week.
(That's what she calls herself)
We have a new girl E, that took my place
when I left that department.
She sits behind me.

L is trying her best to catch her attention.
But E wont pander to her gobshite,
and so she tries harder and harder,
until I have to have my iPod in all fecking day.

Some days I tally every time she opens her mouth.
I told V and after a few days
I said that I'd given up tallying
because I don't think pausing to take a breath,
constitutes silence.
______________________________________

I am in love.
The Flight of the Conchords and Eagle vs Shark.
Hopefully my amazon order will arrive this week.

Come on, lets make this heppen.

Hopefully my Mr E book will arrive soon too.
That's coming from Scotland.

Los animales favoritos

I was reading,
the phone rang.
Dollface.
"I need your expertise,
do you know where Kiki-K is in the city?"

I was invited to breakfast
and to pat some guinea pigs tomorrow.

I was meditating,
the phone rang.
Mam.
"I just wanted to let you know,
that we're putting Billy to sleep
in ten minutes".
Billy is the family dog.
Last time I was home I didn't even pat it.
I wasn't so fond of it,
it was too hyperactive.

Now I feel bad.

-Its going to be strange, not having him around.
"I know, I've had him for 11 years, most dogs
only live to 11 or 12".
Mam is on the brink of tears,
and so am I, for her and my father.
"11 years. I had you for 18 years,
its almost as long as you."
-Mam I'm 27.
"I know, but you moved out of home at 18.

She said she would call me tonight.

This phone call made me go searching
for a photo of Billy.
Which in turn,
found me looking at photos of my ex-boyfriend,
Coleman on our holiday to the UK.
When we broke up,
he'd put post-it notes on the photos
he wanted me to copy for him.

We broke up over two years ago.
I really should do that.

I never found a good picture of Billy.
He was in the background of a few photos.

This phone call also got me wondering
how old my cat was.
I tried to find my mortgage papers,
as I'd bought her the week I moved into my house,
but M put them up on the top shelf,
when he re-arranged my flat
and the box is too heavy.

I know it was April 2002.
Which makes her 6 this year.
I have another 6 years with her.
hmmm.

I went into my room where she was asleep
and tried to wake her up.
She's been waking me up 5-6 times a night
for the past week
with her new hobby of scratching at the front door.
I was going to deprive her of sleep this weekend,
so that she'd sleep
during the night.

But now I feel guilty.

Its so hard to imagine the dog being put to sleep.
He's in the Vet,
next minute he's gone.
He had blood clots,
which burst on his lungs,
so he was drowning in blood.

I wonder what he thinks.
I wonder as his breathing slows
what he's thinking.

Bless you dear puppy.

Nil.

I just sent my old boss an email
to see if he could still be my referee,
it was a few paragraphs on work,
new years, study etc.
and he replied and said
no problems,
he also said "You sound a bit lonely?
Melbourne is a fun place to live".

I was surprised, I re-read my email to see
if there was anything that may have prompted
him to say that...
I'd even used a few exclamation marks
to show my enthusiasm. ?!

I just re-read the email from my old boss.
He said "Melbourne is a funny place to live".

Truth is I am lonely.
I just don't want it to be obvious.
After M left last weekend,
I met my ex-boyfriend E.
He'd been overseas for 6 months,
on my recommendation that he'd grow up a bit,
and make him more focused.
I picked him up,
he was in punk clothes,
braces and all.
We went for dinner,
he told me about his trip,
people he met,
girls he wanted,
the girl he wants who
doesn't seem interested
after a drunken new years' pash.
He had a great experience,
and I feel glad that I helped him out.

I looked at his holiday photos,
and I think I offended him
by throwing my arms up
and making a big circle,
which indicated
-You still want "this"
(meaning the unfocused world),
where you should be looking
for "this",
(making a more compact gesture with my hands).

I feel terrible for saying that,
as yesterday I looked up "How to Meditate"
on Wikihow, in order to be able to focus on what I want.
Its hard to know.
Some people never find it.
We're two of them.
And I know many more.

Then he wanted me to do his Tarot reading.
We went back to my house,
tried to load his photos online
without any luck,
then I did his Tarot,
I read the explanations and
tried to apply them to things
in his life,
his conclusion was that his band
was worth persuing, that he'd be successful.
I wish him the best.

I asked him if he was bored,
as he just kept looking around my flat,
and he said that he was enjoying the peacefulness,
and the cleanliness, as the place his friends were
living was a squat.
________________________________
Dollface got guinea pigs,
Winston who's blind in one eye,
and Clementine, who's missing half a foot.
I get to pet them on the weekend,
and return camping gear,
which will clear some space in my flat.

**********************************************
I've done nothing all week,
due to sickness;
summer cold.
**********************************************