Sick

I have been sick for 21 days.

I have come to accept that I will never

know what it is like to wake up and not

feel like I'm dying.

And one day.

It will be true.

And I've planned my funeral.

Some little girls plan their wedding.

Meh, I'm more likely to die.

Enter... people...

Perfect Day – Lou Reed.
Parents, sisters, B and M say a small speech, something nice about me…
L will read my “eulogy (panégyrique) personnel”

in beat poet style in her American accent.
L will then sit down and my casket will be lowered.

Where do you go to (my lovely) – Peter Sarstedt. (rpt…)
Exit… people…

So this M moving here business is so hard.

I was telling B last night, that I didn't know whether to

book flights, book "a ticket" or "tickets" to Martha Wainwright...

It's not just about me anymore.

I wonder if

...like when you've broken up with someone,

and you're devistated and lose weight and can't concentrate etc...

whether, I'll be like that when my lover lives with me.

Like mourning the loss of my single-life?

Probably.

I'm weird like that.

I just found this post in my saved items.
I'm not sure who the L who will read my eulogy is.

Are you lonesome tonight?

I slept in today,
so I called in Sick.

My back has been killing me all day
and I'm about to take a billion pain killers
just so it can go the fuck away.
OUCH.

I think I'm a bit lonely,
bored,
but not bored?
Depressed?
Who knows.
I'm reading education and art history
and its interesting.
I'm also reading Betraying Hitler,
and a manifesto that has no title and no author.

Still though
company and distractions,
would be pretty awesome right now.

Other than Skype, I mean!

(Read: Physical).

Was it good?

Text from Nizhey.

"Hi. It's me. Nizhla."

- Hello. Are you super powered now?

"How did you know?"

-Because I felt you try to get inside my head..

ppst! Its me Nizhla, kill everyone in the room.

No! No! Leave me alone, help, get out!

I cast you out evil boy!

Hello? Hello?

Oh he's gone.

Was it good?

I think I've lost my

Just found this in my saved posts.

Looking forward to death.

My boyfriend makes teeth, clever hey?
Do you want him to work for you?

Poor Dollface, just when her world was looking like it was magical...
It broke.

She emailed me and said
"And I saw Vic today, and he is thinking of giving up vegetarianism, because 'the world is evil anyway'.
I feel like hope is being abandoned all around me." and "I don't know about this turning 28 business. I feel like it comes with expectations that I can't live up to."

I replied with
1. Vic is an idiot.
The world is evil because of humans,
not because of animals.
2. Getting older is fantastic,
we're
a) closer to death (yay),
b) wiser (yay).
Turning 28 expects nothing of you..
unless you're comparing yourself to other 28 year olds.


She replied with
"we're a) closer to death (yay),
I'm listening to Looking forward to death by Dead Kennedys."


We're going for a drive to the Grampians for our birthday.
I can't wait.




On Saturday night, we went to Joes Shoe Store on High Street in Northcote and got very drunk. Dollface met a boy from New York, we went back to his house to "look at art".

I guess he wasn't lying.

He made me a drink of Pimm's

and said "Its a very British drink, sorry I haven't got any cucumber slices."

I was content taking photos.

This is an old till.

Not sure what this is.

The open book near the table, is where I sat.

After some time I went to find Dollface, she was questioning/criticising the boy about drawing Nike shoes in his athlete charcoal picture. I was trying to find my cigarette lighter and pulled out a toy soldier that I stole, and said "Uh, I was going to steal this, I liked it. Don't worry, I wont steal anything."

I whispered to Dollface "What are you doing?"

She pointed at her to stay

and for me to go.

I left and stole the comic book.

*******************************************

I posted it back today, because I felt guilty.

Such Great Heights

Went on a date to the Eureka Skydeck with J.
Very scary.
Took a while to get used to it.

J told me to sit next to him near the window,
but I sent a little kid there instead.
He was a bit confused.
"Why do I have to sit next to him?"
-Because I'm afraid.
"Why?"
-Don't ask questions, just sit there.

The boy said it was his fourth time there,
he loved it.

I might love it next time.

Then we had horrible Vietnamese,
which was possible a bit of Murphy's Law,
as we decided to go in because it was packed,
this many people? It must be good.
It wasn't.
Then we went to Hells Kitchen.
Then we went home.
Except my tram was 16 minutes away.

^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*
Almost finished reading The Stuff of Thought
by Steven Pinker.

He's quite a funny for a Harvard Psych professor,
I like his stuff on metaphors,
which he included some metaphors that
apparently school students wrote such as
"From the attic came an unearthly howl.
The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality,
like when you're on vacation in another city
and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7pm instead of 7.30."

And this he wrote on being reminded (of metaphor),
"As I was thinking bout this kind of reminding,
I was even reminded of a reminding.
In college, a friend and I once sat through a painful
performance by a singer with laryngitis.
When she returned from intermission and began
the first song of the set, her voice was passably clear.
My friend whispered, 'When you put the cap back on a dried-out felt pen,
it writes again,
but not for long.'"

Or new word inventions for things
that don't have a word.
eg:
Sconser n. A person who looks around whilst talking
to you to see if there's anyone more interesting about.
and
Furbling v. Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an
airport or bank even when you're the only person in line.

Its a very good book.
When I went back to the optometrist to collect
my glasses, the girl said
"I got that book"
her colleague said
"Yeah she went straight out to the bookshop and got it."
She told me about The man who mistook his wife for a hat
by Oliver Sacks.
On the way home that day someone was reading it on the tram.

Email today to Dollface:
-What birthday gifties do you want?

"The ability to sleep through the night
the ability to digest a meal
no more stinging feeling in my stomach
no more lump in my back
no more hole in my chest

sorry, you caught me at a bad moment,
even though I've been good for 2 days.
I really don't even want a birthday.
Can I just celebrate yours?"

I replied with
-So that's 2 presents for me then.

Tomorrow I'm meeting J and his father
for lunch.
His Dad is going to work out my personality
from the enneagram thing.
J thinks I'm a 4 - The Romantic.
Who knows.
We have 2 hours to find out.

And I might disagree with the decision.

Exits are located, here, here and here.

Chocolate Cake Slice.

I apologise in advance for letting you in.

Its not worth your time.

Exits are marked with an X.

Crossing the Rubicon.

I met Dollface in town, outside the army disposal.
I walked straight passed her,
obviously well camouflaged.

I told her she was wearing ugly lipstick.

We caught the 57 to North Melbourne,
for what I thought was breakfast,
but it was 2pm.
This holiday-mode-thinking is quite something else.

She pulled the pink lipstick out of her bag,
threw it in the bin
and said "I trust your judgement."

Whilst we were at the cafe
she told me about some things
that her new lover had said,
about being afraid to commit,
to which I said "We think the same things!"
To which she said "Great, put my two favourite
people in a room together and watch the craziness unfold."

Ahh, I like being her favourite person.

Then we checked out Threadden,
as she wants to do a pattern making course;
then did a practice run to the Czech club
for the Vardos tomorrow night.

Then went to a cute shop,
where she bought me an early birthday present
two Blossom & Bill plates,
http://isak.co.uk/products.php?offset=3&cat_id=3
Blossom stirred the sauce and sugared the potatoes
whilst Bill laid the table.
The candlelight flickered
and outside the slowly falling snow kept on falling.
"I hope we will get snowed in" they both secretly thought.

I hope I get snowed in with beardy boy, too someday.

Then we walked to the State Library,
because we couldn't remember what the Microfische
machines were called
and being girly swots we just had to find out.

On the way we also needed to know what Rubicon meant,
so I looked it up on phone google.
answers.com gave:
“Crossing the Rubicon” is a general expression
for taking a dangerous, decisive, and irreversible step."
Its also a river in Italy.

Phone google is our newest toy,
at Loop the other night we needed to know
what film Zipadee doo da was from.
As we'd seen a tipping jar in a cafe with
Tipadee Doo Jar written on it.

I remembered what Microfische was on the way, so I won.

We visited the dome part of the library,
where I successfully scored a dome date with J,
as he said he went but couldn't find it.


Then toasted sandwiches at Hudsons,
then home.

Meanwhile, later that night...

Whilst attempting to make a cup of tea
and scrambled eggs,
I realised that I have no milk.
So I substituted wine for tea
and hard-boiled eggs for scrambled eggs.
Beaming with pride of my quick thinking,
I deduced that I'd probably
survive quite well in the woods.

Heads or Tails = Meh or Blah

Day 5 of being unemployed.

Woke up,
what to do?
sent J a message re lunch date.

Couldn't find my pills,
got mad,
kicked a bag.

Job called to say they
were getting impatient with
not getting through to my old boss for a reference.

Gave her my ex-bosses mobile number,
cross fingers,
cursed.

Returned The Dharma Bums to the library.

J texts:
So where do you wanna meet?
Elation in my heart!

Met J.
Job calls,
its offered to me.

Ordered 2 ravioli dishes,
2 pots of tea,
took care of the bill.

Left feeling strangely disappointed.
I suppose its because an hour goes so fast,
and I needed to entertain myself for the rest of the day.

Celebrated getting a new job with
getting new clothes,
new shoes,
new cds,
new lenses for my glasses.

The optometrist notices my Steven Pinker
book in my bag,
She needed to know everything,
needed to know all about me.
Said my hair was a lovely colour.
Charged me $212.

Way home,
another call,
another job.

Day 5 of being unemployed.
Knowing that there'll only be 12 days...

Fuckedness.

Meh.

A fair amount of tossing coins as decision makers - discussions this week.

Dollface email's me with:

J
I've come to realise that of all the planning,
organising, thinking etc we do
to make decisions about the future of our lives,
we could just as easily toss a coin
and end up with the same outcome.
So the moral of the story is:
just do whatever the hell you want,
when you want,
and you will neither be better nor worse off.
B

Don't toss coins, just do what feels good.

Which job to take?
Heads or Tails?
Meh or Blah?

Email to J:
Maybe try to toss a coin.
Heads you work it out and stay, be in love, love and be loved.
Tails you walk away.

Go with your gut feeling when it lands.

It didn't help him.

My interpretations of his emotions are also quite possibly shite.
For example:

Strength comes from making decisions,
anxiety comes from putting them off
and fragility comes from the hands that hold you.

You aren't ever going to be alone.

So the hell with tossing coins.
The hell with thinking.

Where is the life that I recognise?

Day 4 of being unemployed.
I went to the libray,
borrowed Steven Pinker - The stuff of thought,
and
Gregorian pop chants.
Steven Pinker is brilliant.
Gregorian pop chants are brilliant.

Ordinary World - Duran Duran
Join me - H.I.M
Sacrifice - Elton John
Fields of Gold - Sting
Blasphemous Rumours - Depeche Mode

Maybe its because I'm reading The Dharma Bums,
Maybe its because I quit my job,
Maybe its because I'm in love with all the people I love,
Maybe its because I hiked in the forest,
Maybe its because I'm insane,
but I'm truely digging my life right now.

I texted Nizhey today to say;
I really dig who you are.

He replied and said he's going to silence camp at Pomona.
Fuck.
I wish I was going with him.

In anycase Nizhey is coming to visit me soon,
I told Dollface on our hike that I missed him
and she said lets chip in and fly him down here!
Rock on.

Don't worry,
there'll be no sex,
with my ex.

By my calculations, I have enough money for 2 months' rent.
Unless I sell my car, then I'll have enough for 4 months' rent.
Unless I sell my furniture, then I'll have enough for 5 months' rent.

Fuck yeah.
I'm meditating to my Gregorian Chants,
(the real Benedictine Monks - also)
reading,
drinking Russian Caravan tea,
going for long walks,
dancing in the candle light.

I'm going to paint tomorrow.
Or maybe tonight.

I can't seem to stay awake,
but then I can't sleep.
Just in a state of floating.

Float on...
Join me.

hehe I said dandedongs

Saturday texts.
Dollface: I have a massive craving for the mountains.
U wanna climb a dandenong tomorrow?
hellojett: YES, life gets better!
Sunday texts.
Dollface: Not sure about mtns, rain & wind predicted.
hellojett: Its only weather.
Dollface:Yeah what the hell. I'll pick you up in an hour.
hellojett: I'm taking a flask of tea.
Dollface: Rock.
Meanwhile, packing nail varnish, tea, umbrella, 2 pairs of gloves, 2 cameras..
Waiting, waiting....

Dollface: Sorry, tried to do my tax. Running late. Leaving in 10.

Road trip is fun, we listen to awesome music,
chat about boys,
giggle and get excited.

We arrive in the country,
I need cigarettes.
We stop in the village
and I get cigarettes
and sour gekko sweets.

Dollface finds a fudge shop,
orders 2 lots...
Shop Assistant to me: - Do you want any?
Me: Oh, I didn't see the fudge shop, I already got sweets.

Ok now, where are the walking tracks?
Dollface suggests there should be a big sign that says
"Worlds Greatest Walking Track HERE!"
There isn't one, but I find one on the map,
that we drive to easily.

Dollface somewhere in the Dandenongs.
Me somewhere in the Dandenongs.

10 minutes into our hike,

we both need to wee.

Weeing in the forest is kinda cool.

Maybe I'm seeing things, but there appears to be some kind of mystical doorway at the end of the bridge. Shame I didn't try to go through it.
I hugged some lovely trees, told them they were good, and asked them to always be there.

Dollface was scared to get in. Figuring that she'd disturb some bats.

There was no bats in the tree.

I pretend I didn't fit.
Mystical aged worty tree. Dollface turned around and said "Man, you're so cool, smoking on the hike."

a) as if I need encouragement,

b) i'm an experienced walker and smoker.

she needed to take my picture.

Rad, we walk and walk and walk, through muddy muddy mud.
I hug more trees, drink tea, take photos, smoke.
We get back to the car and listen to I can climb mountains by Hell is for heroes.
Fuck yeah, what a wonderful life I have.

This is a delicate thing.

I watched High Fidelity again.
Its a great film.
Rob: Now, the making of a good compilation tape is a very subtle art.
Many do's and don'ts.
First of all you're using someone else's poetry to express how you feel.
This is a delicate thing.

I am so fucking happy.
My last day at work went ok.
Helped G, with emails, fucked about,
gave presents to the people that matter.
J got my Jade plant,
E got my dictionary,
L got a post-it note pad with my name around the edges,
L got my Kimberly Clark sanitiser wipes,
B got my pedometer,
and well G,
she got my job.
I went to a job interview, that went well.
So okay in fact that they gave me feedback
in the interview,
asked about my middle name,
asked why I left school and had a blank between 1997
and 2000...
I wasn't sure that working as a cashier,
and a factory assistant was worth printing...

I didn't read the position description,
I just applied.
I had no idea what job I was being questioned about.
What attracted you to the job?
What skills do you have that would suit this role?
Have you got a continuing desire to be in this role?
Slowly words such as media, presentations, updating websites
came up.
I'm still not sure what the job is.
Media Assistant?
I can do that.
Hell yes.

Wonder if someone will ask about this blank space
in time one day.

I lived. Will be my answer.

My boss gave a nice speech
at morning tea.
That I was late to, as I was reinstating my last student into her course...
He said that I had a great rapport with my students and fellow staff members,
so much so, that I will be sorely missed.

Then it was my turn,
"It really has been good working here,
but when all your friends that you made,
start to leave and you're left with.. well.. you know,
and then you realise that its time to go too."

I'M JOKING.

Fuck man I say the dumbest things.

So that's the story,
now I'm free,
no more work.

Completely insane, considering that mostly on occasion I'm

to quote Jack Kerouac in The Dharma Bums;

'poor
and mostly poor
and truely poor.'

So after work drinks
lasted all of 2 drinks,
the people who would have carried the show,
left early,
or weren't there,
or didn't show up.

Today I'm going to watch L and L's play/musical called Enough.
L has the lead role, and the other L sits in the front row
and does her part.
L sings and rides a BMX.
I'm taking Dollface and I'm going to sit next to L.
Looking forward to it.
http://www.fortyfivedownstairs.com/whatson.php

Just got a text from Dollface.
'I have a massive craving for the mountains.
U wanna climb a Dandenong tomorrow?'
I reply with
'YES, and life gets better.'

Looking forward to the country air,
the great outdoors,
and screaming
"Its fucking shite being Scottish"
to the wind.

So what now?
I'd better put the lottery on for tonight,
as I need some money for rent and food I guess,
to live this lifestyle I've now chosen.

The back of my mind
begs the question
the the front of my mind
pretends not to hear.

shhh....hi C, everything okay? shhh.... just that you seem a little...
and i shhh...thought maybe.. um... shhh...
are you going, uh.... shhh....
do you wonder shhh... if you're going through a... uh... mid-life crisis?
because its okay if you are... shhh...
you can talk about it with me if you like...
we can come up with a solution.... shhh...

I don't imagine for a second I am.
I just want to see what happens,
when I throw everything away.

I've done it before.
and I'll do it again.

Nothing much happens.
But I'm always glad I did.

Burn baby burn

Baking and Burning day
Baking and Burning day 2

Okay Gingerbread men,

Dollface doesn't have any weighing scales.

Dollface doesn't have a mixer.

It was tough going.

Whilst men are in the oven,

we burn diaries.

Dollface scored a metal bin from freecycle.org.au

I have about 5 diaries,

and she had about 15 years worth.

I think it took about 40 minutes.

Memories suck.

33 Paper Cranes

On Sunday I went into town, met Dollface, had crumpets and tea for breakfast, then went to the NGV for the Art Deco exhibit. Bit disappointed by the lack of stuff in the collection.
The 1920s weren't that long ago really. Dollface decided there was more art deco in your local second hand shop.




So visited the favourite gallery on the top floor. http://www.artist.co.uk/l_s_lowry/man_taken_ill.shtml This is not a picture of A Man Taken Ill by L S Lowry. hmmm. He's brilliant, and I want to start drawing again.
Google images is quite shit actually, if you aren't famous put your pictures in your blog. I don't want to see Sam blowing out his 4th birthday candles. Quit clogging up my time with your boring fucking life.

So one day I am going to live here. http://www.sacred-destinations.com/england/images/cornwall/st-michaels-mount/mount-cc-james-logan.jpg
I invited Dollface to watch the Vardos http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=112480898, she said that she might invite her new boyfriend. He wants to check out the gypsy band and would like to meet me as she talks about me alot.
See.
"Plus I talk about you all the time and because I've painted you as a funny/brilliant/engaging nutcase, he wants to meet you :)"

Its just weather outside. Take three.

I'm 1924th in the race.

Playballonacy is a great concept.
Fantastic way to get around and visit new sites,
there's a lot of design blogs so its good for me.

If you see me, give me a boost!

Its just weather outside. Take two.

Favourite Beat Poetry.

Diaries - Anne Waldman.
Martha was a girl after my own heart.
She slept late,
lived for the moment,
and did the thing.
Now this was the truth.
We had not known each other long before
we discovered the common bonds.
One day was like this in the diary:

Got up late. Here I am writing in the diary.
It is 1.00pm. It is raining outside.
Martha is coming over (soon I hope).
The coffee is boiling so I have to go.

Later she showed me her diary:

Raining outside.
Just got up.
1.00pm.
Going over to X's soon.
Coffee is ready.

Then I showed her my diary even later
and we agreed that we had much in common.
I asked her about the X, however, and she said,
"You can never tell can you who might see it?"
I agreed and since then have been using arbitrary
initials to identify the people in my life.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Excerpt:
For C. - Philip Whalen.

I saw the bushes of crimson rhododendron, sparkling wet
Beside the hospital walk - I had to see you.
If you were out, I'd leave these flowers.
Even if I couldn't write or speak
At least I broke and stole that branch with love.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Excerpt:
April fool birthday poem for grandpa. - Diane Di Prima
Today is your
birthday and I have tried
writing these things before,
but now
in the gathering madness, I want to
thank you
for telling me what to expect
for pulling
no punches, back there in that scrubbed Bronx parlor
thank you
for honestly weeping in time to
innumerable heartbreaking
italian operas for
pulling my hair when I
pulled the leaves off the trees so I'd
know how it feels.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Its just weather outside.

360' Panorama
Drapery.
Still life.

Work drinks on Friday night,
lead to drinking way too much,
to listening to A talk about leaving
the mother of his daughter.

I know the girl he's after.
She's too good for him.

I'm not allowed to say anything,
but to be frank, I'll never see him again.

Went to see The Lucksmiths,
I left halfway through
the first song to get food.

Saturday, babysat C for J.
It was ok, I haven't babysat anyone
for years. Played Wii. Got laughed at for
getting a score of 3 whilst C got 23 on the brain academy.

Yeah well who got a distinction for Drawing?
Me.
Who got a high distinction for Photography?
Me. Who got a distinction for Scientific and Quantitative Literacy? Me. Who got a high distinction for Foundation Computing? Me.

Gridded study.

If you recognise this drawing as your photograph, yes I copied it from Flickr.com. I can't remember who you were, but I gridded it and drew it in charcoal.

Today - Sunday... Apparently baking and burning with Dollface. Burning history, diaries. Baking, well I'll just eat...

I don't need the diaries. They're filled with lost loves, depression, events that if I can't remember attending... well.

"Its 8.30pm. Its just weather outside. Made myself a cup of tea, and now going to bed."
Beat poetry was my love in 2005.

I'll have to do another post, because this one enjoys putting in extra spaces.

Are we there yet!

Writer's festival.
Scrabble was my favourite event.
By far.

I have so much to catch up on here.
Going to keep it brief.

27/April/2008
http://www.haikucircus.com/index.htm
Very very good.

I'm so happy tonight, I don't know why
I just have a giddy silly head.
Work was just silly fun, incredibly busy,
helping students, printing invoices, being needed.
That and the fact that I know I'm going to leave very soon.


Soon I'll be flying in the air, working.
That lost feeling, being displaced.
What time is it?
Who cares!
Are we there yet!

Please please please please.

I made this Clarice Bean doll for a swap.

Cute hey?

MIAF - Melbourne International Animation Festival was great.

Well the last 2 sessions weren't great, but I saw 82 films! And then still went to the Dendy and saw The Counterfeiters.

I can't concentrate.

At least this'll end my blog drought.

Clearing the mind.

Decided to clean up my blog.
I don't like that I tend to write
when I'm frustrated or angry.

There's crazy times ahead.
And I'm looking forward to every
single day.

Blah-blah fuckety-blah

I don't agree with the shoe design,
but this comment is excellent.

http://crowndozen.com/main/index.shtml
"I think I can safely say that if I saw any girl wearing these I would have to offer her a crisp $20 to wait right there while I went and found a chair to sit on while I took 6-7 long minutes to just lazily gaze at her in all her hot, hot glory."

I also like
http://www.crowndozen.com/main/archives/001659.shtml
"5. Cloverfield Blah-blah fuckety-blah. By the time this movie releases it will have been so over-virally-marketed that it will have actually given people AIDS."


I tried to look for jobs on Seek,
that I could do at work.
So as to get paid twice.
But there isn't any.
I wonder if I'm looking in the wrong place.
Maybe I could edit books,
check for spelling mistakes?

Light and inspiration.

I got home tonight
and immediately wished for something to change,
drastically.

Then I saw the light on my phone,
one message.
That's it.
Its got to be it.
Play message,
dial tone.
Fuck it all to fuck.

I'm drawing toothpaste tonight, for lack of inspiration
of anything better to draw for my assignment.
I'll put them up here soon.

My "What do I want to happen with my body when I die"
story is on the www.learningtoloveyoumore" website,
M said "Wow, you're in print."
I realised that LDN is the airport code for Nepal,
not London, which makes sense as there isn't a London Airport
is there?
No C. There isn't.

These are pictures I took for my photography assignment.

Team Zissou!

This is what I received for

my Wes Anderson swap.

I love it.

Team Zissou doll!

http://www.swap-bot.com/

I found this http://methodizaz.com/,

hire paparazzi to take pictures of you in the street.

Its exactly what I want.

M at work said that she would hate it.

She said that she saw a gallery display of street photos

of random people and everyone was ugly.

She said she would sue anyone who displayed a photo

with her in it, without permission.

I just want to know what I look like,

generally, day-to-day.

I often feel I walk funny, or frown a lot.

It'd be a good way to know for sure.

I submitted an assignment for

http://www.learningtoloveyoumore.com/

I'm not sure if it'll get posted,

but it was fun to write.

*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&

Assignment #51 Describe what to do with your body when you die.

I want to be cremated as cheaply as possible, no fancy pants send-off for me.

I want “Where do you go to (my lovely)” by Peter Sarstedt repeated
in a deafening volume, during the cremation.

I want you to buy at least 50 vials, which you will fill with my ashes.

I want you to then take these vials to a busy airport such as LDN and place them,
unsuspectingly into people’s pockets.

I want the label on the vials to read. “Can I come too?”

I want the labels to be printed in Calibri font.

I want the people to feel the adrenalin rush of finding a vial of mysterious powder in their pockets after they’ve stepped off the plane at their destination.

I want them to read the label, and be horrified and then feel special to have been chosen.

*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&

Dollface said this one line..

“Can I come too?”

is very me.

If it goes on the website, I'll remove it from here.

My favourite is Andreas Trolf, but he was my favourite before.

(from http://www.fecalface.com/ - how to make a pin hole camera).

http://www.learningtoloveyoumore.com/reports/51/trolf_andreas.php

This is great.

http://colorwar2008.com/submissions/youngnow

Youngme / Nowme.

Not all of the photos work, but its a lovely idea.

I love the people who've really tried hard

to replicate their pictures, like this man:

http://colorwar2008.com/camper/thebruce0/youngnow

fantastic

or this one:

http://colorwar2008.com/camper/BOLL7708/youngnow

***************************************************************************

My first boyfriend,

who is now in the band called,

A secret death,

who is also about 50kgs heavier now

who tried to add me to his myspace as a friend.

He's the only boy I ever went out with

who was younger than me.

I never did that mistake again.

It lasted about 4 months.

His first message was

"Guess who it is?"

I ignored him.

His second message was:

RE: add me god dammit!
Body:
ok miss c* angharrad l* (can't spell)!!!

I see you've logged on you better add me next time!bye fer now

I added him and replied:

Fine you're added.

But you're not my friend.

Hmph!

Pretty impressed that he remembered my middle name,

even if he spelt it wrong.

* Name hidden for..

oh so many reasons.

Fortune

If someone finds this entry,
can you please suggest my next move.

Not funny

This is one of my newest favourites.
http://www.asofterworld.com/index.php?id=297
-How do you classify this kind of humour?
M: "not funny."

I watched Kenny today.
Brilliant.

My favourite line was
"This is what annoys me the most,
Davo woz ere,
can't spell for a starter,
what a claim to fame that is,
imagine if he went to the Eiffel Tower,
he'd want a golden handshake, a brass band
and a fucking fireworks show.
This is his claim to fame.
He's been to our shitter,
what a fucking muppet."

I've also finished watching the first
8 episodes of Underbelly.
What a great show.

I told M at work and she said
"I must be the only person in Melbourne
that hasn't seen it."
It hasn't been officially released in Melbourne yet.

I totally went off the point of what I was going to say here.
I'm writing a comprehensive list of every gig I can remember going to.

I want to violate you.

This is a picture of my 360* panorama drawing.

I got good comments about the statue and the tree.

For my photography assignment, I have to take photos of light.

This was the first one I took yesterday, I saw the halo and hoped it would turn out ok on my camera. I really like it.

Not for my assignment, but in a previous one about continuity of line. This one would have been a good one to use.
There's some good light in this one, so much that it blends into the background here.

The light in the yellow panels was shimmering from the reflection of the water, but here now it just looks a bit dirty.

I've been thinking about my myspace page being violated by people at work. I'm on the web, for my partner and for friends and for randoms,
not for people I'm not friends with,
who just have a look to have a laugh.
Are you sad or something?

If I changed it to just be about things like the photography
above, or about websites I rate highly,
and not about personal things then I'd be conforming,
for the sake of my paranoia about getting fired for not-so freedom of speech.

This will lift your spirits.

5 things in a lift in one week.
Its an amazing life I lead.

1.
I got into the lift at work the other day
and it stopped to pick up 3 men from
another floor.
One of them says Hello to me.
Then the other 2 say funny things
that weren't directed at me,
but at the awkwardness of the guy saying
hello to me, because it was just a reaction.
"Haven't seen you for a while."
"Long time no see."

"Do you come here often?"
as I step out of the lift I say with a sigh,
-Unfortunately.
They laughed.

2.
The lift doors open and there's a man in there.
He said "I went up to the wrong floor and then it went
passed my stop, oh well I guess I get to see a different
part of the building, your floor sounds like a fun place to visit."
The doors open and I say
-It really isn't, take a look.

There's a few crucifixes on the walls and some hostile
hicks working behind the doors.

3.
I got into the lift on the ground floor with 2 other men,
the lift went passed their floor, passed mine and then started
jumping, making noises, and generally worrying us.
The 2 men are ringing the bell and saying "Just open!",
"Are we going to be stuck in here?"
"What if it drops?"
We were stuck in the lift for under 2 minutes,
but it seems longer
when its not stopping on any floor.

Everything I said was ignored,
so much so I was more worried that I was invisible,
rather than stuck in a lift.

-Can you see me?

The doors finally open on level 7,
and I run out and follow the men
into the stairwell,
run down to level 4 and curse,
I'm locked in.
Because its commonsense
to lock the fire escape doors isn't it?
Luckily someone heard me knocking and let me in.

4.
I get in the lift with B and A from the student centre.
B says to me "Have you dyed your hair lately, Jett."
he said Jett quietly,
and exchanged looks with A.
-Not for a while.

I was seething,
the tossers must have looked at my myspace page.

5.
Got into the lift with 4 other people from my work,
D asks me why the new temp only lasted 2 days,
-Because she lives too far away.
"Oh, I was wondering if there was a problem with
the staff in the fees office.

Stupid fuck I know you don't like me.

If wishes were horses

the beggars would ride.

How many wishes do I make each day?

I wish I wasn't such a loser.

E said "If wishes were horses..."

- we'd be scared to make them.

She said "Oooh someone has an issue with horses".

E also had a dream about me,
she had a private jet

and I wanted to go to Rome,
so she dropped me off and then picked me up at the end
of my stay, she asked "Did you see this?" - No,
"Did you see that?" - No.

What the hell did I do in Rome?

I told her I had a dream I was shot,
by the guy from No country for old men.

I had time,
like they do in murder shows
to work out the angle of shot,
and looked up into the building,
and yell "You're a coward",
before dying.

There's a new girl at my work
who sits about 8 metres away
and I can hear her Darth Vader breathing.

M didn't hear from the job.

And now I want to live on a canal boat

somewhere in the UK.

A very nice moment.

Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
M will get the job,
and we'll make plans.

Tonight I had a job interview at a dentist
in the city.
It wasn't so much an interview as it was
a group information session.

Are you still interested in this job?
Sigh, yes, I guess so.

Meanwhile earlier in the day,
A calls me into his office
and asks me to shut the door.
I was accused of telling people
the student centre have no work.

The source?
"I don't know, its third-hand gossip."
To whom?
"I don't know, its third-hand gossip."

"Its gone up through management."
So should I be scared?

-Not guilty, end of discussion.

Come back to me when you've got something valid
to accuse me of.

It was so humiliating.
I didn't have a clue what they were on about.
But I'll certainly keep to myself from now on.

Steven Pinker says
"Anger protects a person whose niceness has left her
vulnerable to being cheated. When the exploitation
is discovered, the person classifies the offending act as unjust
and experiences indignation and a desire to respond with
moralistic aggression: punishing the cheater by severing the relationship
and sometimes by hurting him."

My god is he good.

Also on love,
"People who are sensible about love are incapable of it."
- Douglas Yates.

-I'm not going to be with anyone unless I get that feeling first.
"That's a pretty unrealistic feeling though isn't it?"

"Usually people do not want any suitor who wants them
too badly too early, because it shows that the suitor is desperate
(so they should wait for someone better),
and it shows that the suitor's ardor is too easily triggered
(hence too easily triggerable by someone else).
-Steven Pinker.

My god is he good.

I quoted this to M when we met.
Which is probably why we're still together.
Because each of us is entirely wary and weary of the
inevitable outcome falling in love brings,
so we will tread with caution for its entirety.
For one of us to break up the other,
would certainly pull us to the depth of misery.
We know this.
And how it feels.
We both have perhaps the possible
desire to do this, but we don't.

And what good would it do?
To begin again.
The point?
Well sometimes its necessary,
instead of
pathetically holding onto past loves,
like they're the only thing saving us
from the terrifying position of actually re-falling in love.
And sometimes its just nice to have a history with someone.

He mentioned a history between us last weekend.
It was a very nice moment.

Him and I are balancing on a see-saw.
Our emotional intelligence is apt enough to remember
what goes around comes around,
and the feelings that brings.
One sudden move from him and I plummet,
and vice-versa.
Somehow perhaps we love each other enough
not to inch off the edge.
But will we test it over and over.
Its expected.

You can either be desirable or a doormat.
Either to many.

And sometimes both at the same time.

But that to me smells of masochism.

I'm too tired to know if this makes any sense.

Don't forget your towel

Wow, three posts in one day.
Aren't you the lucky one?

M arrives in one hour and ten minutes.
I'm collecting him from the airport,
my eyes are stinging, I feel like
I've been looking at too many things today.

I was really depressed earlier today,
for about 3 hours, just utterly down,
tried to cry,
but I just can't do it.

I was even in that "Why the fuck are we alive,
what's the point to live, why don't we all just die,
and let it be the end of humanity" kind of mood.

I was also in a "Why do we all collect so much junk,
that we get so attached to, when in reality when you
throw it out, life's ok. It really is" kind of mood.

So my house is fairly tidy and I feel so happy for it.
The less I have the happier I am.

I can't wait for M to arrive,
I can't wait to be hugged and kissed,
and cuddled all night in bed.

I quite often freak out about not living alone
anymore, so much so that I think about things like
"Right, if I had to run away now what would I take?"
- Cat
- Handbag
- Passport

That's it.
Probably should chuck a change of clothes,
shoes, photographs, visual diaries, cd/dvd case,
laptop, shampoo, toothbrush and of course a towel
into my handbag.

Sometimes I feel a bit restricted writing here.
I don't always make sense,
but at least I know what I mean.

One hour.
I'd better have a shower.
I just wanted to let you know I'm ok,
that I haven't died of sadness.

Oh and earlier, I thought I saw a comet,
really fucking close,
it was all yellow with a tail.

Then I think the lights went out and I saw it was a plane,
flying very low,
I thought for a moment it had exploded and was coming down,
over my suburb.

I remember thinking that it was a good thing,
because it meant M's plane would be safe,
because two on the one night, that's absurd!

That's your theory? Beautifully fucking illustrated.

Nothing makes any sense to me today.

The sky is falling.

A letter from RMIT arrived today,
whilst I was walking up the drive to my house,
I thought it could either be one of two things.
a) A letter to say that I was unsuccessful in a job application.
or
b) A letter about my subject.

I opened it on the toilet,
its where I open all my mail.
As its one of the first things I do when I get home,
number one being greet the cat,
number two wash my hands,
number three sit on the toilet and open my mail.

It was tutor comments about my drawing subject.
Feedback being that I can contact her anytime I need to.
Self Portrait,
"This drawing is of great interest with all the parts ie dog
(its a cat), keys, self portrait in right background,
which seems to look at portrait in foreground."
On it goes, I don't entirely understand the "Translated English",
"So that a dog is a shape and an eye is a shape."

Panorama,
in good cop, bad cop format.
"Elements of this work are very powerful
(sculpture of person behind fence of church, tree trunks),
You could work on perspective to correct possible errors.
Your drawing is energetic and shows great integrity in your approach
and I look forward to your next project."

I was quite pleased with this feedback,
a) because its one of the first times I've been marked on my creativity,
in my adult life
and
b) because I realised I really dig feedback.
On anything.
I love being told that what I do is ok.

I love getting marks back.

God only knows why I got a 9/10 on a
"Introduce yourself on the forum",
for my photography course.
I'm quite sure I babbled about not much.

The woman who commented before mine on the forum,
blagged on about "living in the country, with her husband,
and 4 beautiful children, that keep her life busy, hardly having
much time for herself, but photography is one interest,
and has taken many photos of the children."
Entirely irrelevant.

I hope she got a 4.

I went out to see Modest Mouse last night,
thoroughly entertaining,
I danced, got told off, got my photograph taken,
got water and wine bought from random strangers,
who then exchanged phone numbers with me,
and gave the comment,
"You know, we'll invite you out from time to time,
every 6 months or so."
-Ok sounds great.
I lead a fairly busy life, but every six months or so,
I really need some randoms to hang out with.
And possibly buy me wine.

I got a text this morning asking if I'd gotten home safely.

I didn't reply, I am useless with making new friends.
I think I've mentioned previously, the Seinfeld episode,
where Seinfeld notes that its almost like needing to wear a sign,
"Taking new friends now", because by adulthood, you've got all the
friends you need to see you through your days.

So after drinking 4 wines,
and being the not-very-often-drunk-weakling I am,
I pass out on the bed,
get woken up 5 minutes later,
by Float On - Modest Mouse,
telling me to get the fuck up and go to work.
I put clothes on, feed the cat, and walk to the tram.
Wishing the journey would be a million times quicker,
the walk through Uni to take a free Age,
and onto McDonalds, where I ate like a king.
McDonalds is very under-rated by non hung-over-
generally-like-to-be-healthy-people.

I arrive at work 10 minutes late,
red eyed,
bed hair,
stinking,
and realised I have 8 hours of
having to stay awake whilst
desperately wanting sleep.

M told me the story of her boyfriend,
who's living in East Timor,
who talked at a reconciliation meeting,
the day before.
Whilst his talk was going on,
someone shouted out,
"How can we talk of reconciliation,
when someone has just been hit by a rock",
and was bleeding,
where a riot almost broke out,
until someone realised it was part of the roof of the building.

She also told me that in East Timor,
there is a prime minister,
who used to be the president,
and a president,
who used to be the prime minister.
"Confused?"
-Yes.

I finally arrive home,
set my alarm for one hour,
hop into bed,
turn the electric blanket on,
so to lull me to sleep in its cosy warmth,
and get one hour of the cat
wanting me awake.
Scratch at the door here,
ruffle a plastic bag there.
four items of clothing thrown at the cat later,
to try to shut up her cries for attention
and my alarm goes off.

I went to see a comedian tonight,
I know when you're on stage you can't see the
audience very well due to the lighting,
but I did wonder.

I hope I didn't look bored,
but it wasn't hilarious so much as
lovely just to be there.
Happy just sitting there,
going in and out of my own thoughts.

Ooohhh la la.

A said that he called Paris in the flowershop
cafe my name this morning and she said
"Oh you're her supervisor, she comes in all the time,
she's lovely,
she's really cute".
A of course being the bastard he is,
said "Well, I can't comment."

Because he's my supervisor and all.

I asked when our new temp would arrive,
and he said that they've ordered one.
-Is it a sexy boy?
"We can't request that, all we can request is
'Office Admin experience'."

Then strangely as he's not allowed to use risque comments,
he actually managed to say "I keep requesting a cute girl,
but it hasn't happened yet."
-Yeah, I might go work in the flower shop.

I have a job interview on Monday.
Lets hope I can blow this popsicle stand.

Nice.
http://miamy.biz/grenoblesaafelden/

The new girl said "You keep giving me these funny looks."
-Don't worry I give everyone funny looks, you aren't special.
"Oh aren't I special?"
-Blah.

I have crazy eyes.
Get used to it.

What are you two talking about? - Buttons

Last night I rode my bicycle
to High Street to meet my bestfriend,
and watch a band called Babaganoush,
at Open Studio.
http://www.babaganoush.info/

When I first arrived in Melbourne,
this was one of the first bands I saw,
or so I thought, we think its a different band.

There was about 8 musicians in the one
we saw last time, this time there was 4,
a violinist, a claranet-ist, a piano accordian-ist,
and a drum-skin hand-held bangy-hitty thing.
And a girl who sang in another language brilliantly.

Eastern European style,
where the music gets faster and faster and you clap,
and dance around in long skirts and genuinely
have a great time.

I spilt mostof my second wine on the floor,
in front of everyone, as I was struggling with a
coat, a bag and my bicycle helmet.

I talked to Dollface about hiring a studio
room and a drum kit, so we can practice.
She said she doesn't play guitar much anymore,
and I don't know how to play the drums,
but I'm sure when our boyfriends
are on various football forums,
we'll have to entertain ourselves.

Afterwards R joined us,
he'd been out drinking elsewhere.
He said he can't wait for my boyfriend
to arrive, so he can talk about something
other than buttons.

Which is what Dollface and I were talking about
at that point.

I'm going to make button necklaces.

R asked when M will arrive,
I said maybe in 3-4 weeks,
I showed him my diary,
with the potential weekend.
Eels at the Palais...
I said - I don't care who you are,
I'm not missing the eels.
Which is a bit mean,
but they are my favourite band.

I've been thinking about the character,
Kailey on Firefly and how the Dr said to her,
"You find the bright side of everything",
I'd like to be that kind of person.
But I'm quite uptight and grumpy.
Unfortunately, a woman on the tram hates me,
and I can't find the bright side of anything about her.

I had the misfortune of sitting next to her yesterday.
The first time we met,
I pulled the blind down on the window,
as the sun was on my face,
and I don't need any more freckles.
She, lets call her "You posh bitch, why don't you drive to work?",
was sitting opposite me and pushed it back up.

I stood up and sat somewhere else.

Yesterday I got on the tram listening to my ipod
very loud, fair enough its annoying to the few people who don't
have ipod or other music-mans.
I sat next to her and seconds later I hear a very loud
"Tutt".
I moved away from her for the second time.
I thought that I might make a voodoo doll
for you posh bitch, why don't you drive to work,
and poke her in both her breasts to give her a nice dose of cancer.

She really should drive to work.
And being a semi-tree hugger gypo,
who rates public transport very high,
this time,
I truely wouldn't mind.

I really hate the sound of nail clippers
oh fuck.
the man upstairs clips his nails outside,
that's why I can hear it,
and why I swept up nail bits the other week!
eeeyyyuuuk!

I'm also watching The Lone Filmmaker
http://www.youtube.com/user/thelonefilmmaker
its very good.
I'm up to part 6.

But I'm smelly and need a shower.

Atishoo atishoo, we all fall down.

Last night my boyfriend was
so bored of me on the phone.

We rarely talk on the phone anymore,
due to the wonderful skype.

Today I told him something he already knew again,
I'm trying to think of things that he doesn't know
but I do.

All I can think of is
that I had a salad for lunch.

I am supposed to be drawing,
a portrait and a landscape.
Anxiety has taken over and I'm sitting here
wondering if I can sell anything else on ebay.

Why am I studying when I'm not enrolled in
a course.
Random subjects?
I could be doing non-boring things so I have stuff to talk about.

Instead of studying today.
I have
a) Put my stereo on Gumtree.
b) Put my printer on Ebay.
c) Made a salad for lunch.
d)Talked to my mam, who said that she's
very sick, almost like the time her and my father were
in hospital,
she thinks she's dying,
and she realised that she needed to live closer
to her children for times like this.
Except her children live in Sydney, Newcastle and Melbourne.
I told her I was also
sick and she said "Are you ok, do you need anyone?"

Do I need anyone?

1. I live alone which means I suffer alone.
2. I haven't been taken care of when I'm sick
for quite a number of years.

e) Broke a lamp so it would fit in the bin.
f) Dishes, Shower, Put clothes away, Put clothes on.
g) Looked at http://www.flickr.com/photos/fullarton/428337256/in/set-1381539/
for quite a long time (all of them).

I'm going to draw very soon.

Ok, well this was my first drawing,
I did another 3, but this was the best.

It doesn't look like me.
But the markers don't know that.
I could be this ugly.

Self portrait in an interior

Consider Brett Whiteley or Egon Schiele as examples, amongst others of course.

I might include a letter that says "I work in an office, forgiveness?"

And now to work on the landscape.

Panorama

Doesn't quite rotate 360 degrees.

Its the best they're going to get.

M said "You have a very childlike quality, to your drawings."

and after questioning,

"That's not a bad thing, Picasso thought that was a great quality to have."

Picasso Quotes:

It took me four years to paint like Raphael, but a lifetime to paint like a child.

and

All children are artists. The problem is how to remain an artist once he grows up.

And another I like:

The genius of Einstein leads to Hiroshima.