Its a festivas for the rest of us.

I was trying to think of New Years resolutions,
but the only thing I can think of is to let go.

I'm going to draw everyday.
I'm going to get a job I like.
I'm going to live with M.
I'm going to buy a xylophone
a graphics tablet,
film making software,
a bicycle.

I'm also going to load the film in my Oktomat
camera properly.

http://www.asofterworld.com/
I have this print on my wall:
http://www.asofterworld.com/print_layout.jpg
My favourites are
http://www.asofterworld.com/index.php?id=79
http://www.asofterworld.com/index.php?id=60
http://www.asofterworld.com/index.php?id=43
http://www.asofterworld.com/index.php?id=38
http://www.asofterworld.com/index.php?id=9

Work today. Making me angry.
Hulk angry.
1. Dickhead fawn pants is humming.
2. My boss told me to hold on to stuff
faxed by a student. I'd put it in the mail
with a "Yeah and?" post-it attached as
she didn't explain herself.
She just faxed statements
and invoices,
he took it out of the mail and gave it back to me.
Hold onto it, she might call.

Fuck this I'm going to a cafe.

*******************************************
Waah, I drive to the airport,
get stuck in traffic because the train boom
wont open, I turn around just in time to almost
crash into a speeding 4WD, who the fuck speeds,
when everyone is trying to turn around?
He was going at least 70!
My heart was all over the shop.
So I find a new route, get stuck at another boom gate,
the car in front crosses the tracks, I follow very closely
and get to the other side.
I get to the airport,
can't find the carpark I'm supposed to stay at,
get a ticket for long term parking,
get on the bus, get to the terminal,
check into an empty departures lounge
and get told that my plane left an hour ago.
Fucking TIGER AIRWAYS YOU FUCKING FUCKS.
There's 2 other people in my situation,
some foreigners, with a son who's dropping them off.
We get told there's no flight until tomorrow morning,
that's the best they can do.
The son is angry, he's found a wheel chair to sit in.
He's shouting at the other strays in the departure area,
telling them about Tiger Airways being the worst
airline, "Its not even an airline, its a shambles".
The father says he's going to sue,
which I find hillarious, this isn't America, wanker,
they demand a seat,
cause a scene,
the son still wheeling around in the chair
shouting obscene things,
and the guy finds them a Virgin flight,
they have to pay for the flight and get refunded the money
from this one.
They're about to leave and I'm asked if I want the same
flight, I say that I can't afford it,
then try my luck
-Oh because I'm poor I can't get on another fight?

The girl takes the others to the Virgin departures,
and I'm stuck with the guy who offers to pay
using his credit card, his money, just so I can be with my
family, because he'd love to be with his family,
he didn't want to offer in front of the other people.
-Um, no, its ok, we probably earn the same amount,
thanks anyway.
I finally get transferred to tomorrow's flight.
I get back on the bus, with the same creepy driver,
who is surprised and when we reach the carpark,
says he's called through and I just have to make a deal,
with the lady on the gate about my parking ticket.
Sweet.
I finally find my car,
its freezing,
I have a migrane and I just want to get home.
The lady gives me good cop, bad cop.
"I'll let you through, you're supposed to pay,
but you're coming back tomorrow?"
-Yes (but not to this carpark).

Why bother getting angry,
it didn't solve anything,
just proves if you've got money
you're more likely to fight for things.

If you haven't, you just accept
that you'll be hugged another day.

I drive back, to get caught in the same
train boom gate traffic,
this time the police are on the line...
I finally get home,
rearrange a few things.
And fall asleep.

And now I'm going back to bed,
to dream of being kissed by my lover
at the airport tomorrow.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hold me closer tiny dancer

On rotation today:
Tiny dancer - Elton John
One crowded hour - Augie March
Waltz #2 xo - Elliot Smith
Far away - Martha Wainwright
Happy birthday - Sufjan Stephens

The opening credits for Mr Magoriums
wonder emporium
by William Joyce
were fantastic,
the colours were perfect,
this and the lines;
"Do we need the number four?"
"If you like squares, you do."
were the best part of the whole film.
I don't rate Natalie Portman at all.
You can watch the opening credits
here:
http://www.reelfx.com/launch.html
This is what I want to do.

Today my friend and I must have pointed out
a billion sexy boys.
We also saw Guy Pierce at the Rose Street
artists markets, who isn't sexy.
But she was glad she came to Melbourne
and saw someone famous.
Actually also she saw the model from the Calvin Klein ad,
in Myer.
By the end of the day,
when we got off the tram,
I said
-Oh look at his shoes I love mens shoes.
She said "No you just love men".

She also wondered if I had high expectations of men,
of love and romance.
What can I say.
Is there anything else to live for?



-I don't know whether I'm more in love with you,
or weather I'm more in love with the inspiration,
lust, hurt, happiness, the...
Chase
I don't know what I'd do if I had you.
No idea.
(This was about someone else. A few years ago,
its good to know that when I fall, I fall deep).

In Nova where we had lunch,
there was a man sitting on his own,
he looked nice
until I saw his shoes.
Shame.

When I was in Japan I found the
Clarks Natalie's my lover wanted for ages.
He said if I found them he'd marry me.
I was choked up, nervous, excited,
I'd found them.
Buying them for him was the most satisfying feeling.

Over lunch my friend told me her theory
of what has happened to the world.
"In the 80's so many self help books
came out, telling people to be selfish, to say no,
to get what they want, have what they want,
be what they want.
That's where it all started to go wrong,
no one gives a crap about anyone else.
Its all about them.
No one gets up for pregnant women on the train
anymore, I had to the other day and the husband
looked so grateful."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I think I just faded.
I'm going to sleep now.
2 days M x.

And what exactly attracts you to the leisure industry?

Another job interview.

Again I was asked
"So is this what you want your career to be?"

-Are you crazy?
This is what I'm going to do,
until I get paid enough money
to make tiaras out of paper.

How do you answer that without sounding like a loser?
I love Admin! Yay.

I hope I don't get it.
I don't want to make coffee for anyone.
Even if I do get paid $2000 more a year.

I actually said in an example of teamwork...
-When the general and the student call centres
joined together, we had a wealth of knowledge,
which helped immensely,
it was kind of like,
with our powers combined..."

I had a giggle about that.
They didn't.

And at the end its my turn to interview them,
-Give me a day in the life of this job.
"Well, you'll start by getting my coffee from the cafe,
we have a really great coffee shop on campus,
staple, photocopy, answer phone blah... etc.
so is that something you'd be interested in?"
- I like the coffee part.

I can't believe I said that.

Ah well try too hard and I might just get the fucking job.

eh?

Grade me.

A, phoned today at work
and asked if I'd seen the newsletter,
-Yes but I don't read it.
"No one reads it, can I read it to you?
Systems have done a fantastic job,
with the upgrade" etc.
-Well done, that's good.
"No one acknowledges anything".
-You aren't paid for praise.
"No I'm paid to work for no thanks".
-Thank you A, you've done a great job,
really.
"Thanks, is M there? She'll read it aloud to everyone".
-Yes, I'll pass you through.
"Good, because I want everyone to know"
-Ahhhh A you are good.
"Grade me!"

I passed him through, but it wasn't read aloud.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
These are examples of my work.
It was either this, and feel really good about myself.
Or check into Silence Camp at Pomona.
Here goes.
Grade me. Tell me I'm good.



In the style of Modern Toss.
My friend had her wisdom teeth out.
It says
"Man, my wisdom teeth hurt"
"Fuck your wisdom teeth".

This was drawn at the Troubadour 20/8/05 in Brisbane.


This is my tattoo, it was also on some stationary I got at a comic shop in London.

Monday night art class.

(Who's wine is it anyway).

September 2007.

This was from a comic I drew for S

(June 2005)

called

...and you will know me by the trail of texts.

It says

On the way home.

I stopped in at the same scenic lookout,

I stopped at on the way to the parking lot.

Its 7.30am. (Should have stayed here).

The Sun is up, birds are singing, AFI on ipod.

The moon was beautiful last night.

I went to the mountains to watch the sun rise,

but I ran out of petrol.

This is from a comic called,

Random Long Weekend,

June 2005.

It says

"You have this look about you that's quite perplexing".

-That's a good thing.

"No, No I mean, you use weird facial expressions that don't relate

to the situation, like uncontrolable facial expressions".

-Oh

The many inappropriate facial expressions of Jett.

I could use any of these if you came up to me in a bar.

Though if I like you I'll tell you.

This was part of my visual diary I did in Japan.

July 2007.

Idioms on painting.

It says

"You've painted me as the fraud I really am".

This is a new idea,

it says

"Are you following me, because I like you too".

Abstract?

The colours actually make sense if you look hard.

Left side copied from Paperchase mouse pad,

right side, from my own talent.

Angry bunnies.

I love these so much.

R asked me to draw an Eskimo.

I was doing a square theme.

French.

From square theme.

Pages from my visual scrapbooks.

I love love love love love these sooooooo much.

My all time favourite page.

Well there you have it.

A range of my work.

I also do photography.

I'm not very good at anything really.

Although I am completely hard on myself.

If you'd like to comment, feel free.

If you want me to work for you.

I cost $ Lots.00

I only have to give 2 weeks notice.

And I'm all yours.

I'm all yours anyway.

There that's better.

Thinking what I think they're thinking.

I didn't sleep last night.

At 4am, I heard some moaning coming from upstairs,
that and "Breathe", "Take deep breaths".
I thought,
well the man upstairs is alone, maybe he's gay?

At 4.20 I get up as I hear people on the stairs.
I look out of the peep hole in the door and see medics,
and my neighbour struggling down stairs,
the medic said "Maybe you've slipped a disk
when you sneezed".
A bed was wheeled,
and he got on.

I went back to bed.
To think.

I'm home from work now and
he's upstairs, home from the hospital.
With heavy painkillers.
I can tell because I can hear him snoring.

At work today I looked up
"Overcoming depression",
I did the Ivan Golding survey for depression.

I scored 68.

The results;
55 and above, is "Severe Depression".

My desk neighbour did the quiz too,
and she scored 55.
She said that it didn't mean anything.

Phew.

Then I looked up Miranda July.
I'm ready to forgive her.
Because she's a lot like me than I wanted her to be.
To enter her website,
http://mirandajuly.com/
you have to enter a secret password.

It says
"You know the password,
just clear your mind and look within,
it will probably be the first word you think of".
I type BELIEVE
and am let in.
There was no password last time I looked at her site.

I am looking at doing one of the assignments.
I am thinking of the
"Make an encouraging banner"
On her
http://learningtoloveyoumore.com/
website.

I am thinking of
"You are a smart, personable woman,
its only a matter of time before you get something you want".

Which is what my friend J wrote to me.
I love my friends knowing what to tell me.

When I was on the Overcoming depression website,
I learnt that you shouldn't encourage a depressive.

If that depressive can't get motivated to get out of bed,
don't offer to do their house work.
This is encouraging them to stay depressed.

What about when that depressive,
is lonely and wants to be held?

Ah well. Its not going to happen anyway.

The desk calendar quote today was
"Pessimists look left and right,
before crossing a one way street".

Its true. I do.
You never know what loser is driving the wrong way.
I know, my ex-boyfriend got booked for making this mistake.
(My ex-boyfriend is not a loser).
********************************************
I've got to stop hiding from people
who probably aren't thinking what I think they're thinking.

Its time to party

This was one of the best shows I've ever seen.

Andrew W.K. was brilliant,

the crowd was brilliant,

the venue was brilliant.

He's one of those annoying Americans

that try to get you ready to party,

"Are you ready to party?"

YEAH!!!

"I said,

ARE. YOU. READY. TO. PARTY?!!!"

YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It worked.

It was so much fun,

he said that he didn't take anything for granted,

that we should look around the room and our lives

and really appreciate everything,

and well, party till we puke!

hee hee, what a hillarious clever happy man.

Here's something I never thought I'd do,

but what the hell,

he is so cool.

And how rad are the t shirts.

I remember playing

She is beautiful in the car when I was driving with

this boy I liked to the valley to watch The Killers...

I wanted him to listen to the lyrics

"I never knew girls existed like you,

and now that I do,

I'd really like to get to know you"

and fall in love with me.

After I read my stars the other day,

I've been thinking about being the best person

I can be.

My stars said something like

Today you should stop thinking you are better than

everyone else.

I think I have low self esteem as it is,

sometimes thinking I'm better than everyone is a saving grace.

Today though I'm not.

At all.

One little vegetarian isn't going to save the world.

Isn't my mum encouraging?

I filled out a petition today to stop ANZ funding the
Pulp Mill in Tasmania.

I was wanky and said:
Voting The Greens wasn't the only thing I'm choosing to do this year,
I vote for no pulp mill and I choose not to bank with ANZ.
If you must go ahead, why don't you start using 80% recycled paper
easily available from your stationers, your customers would love it.

The guy running the show Mr Smith,
looks like the sort of pighead (literally),
who wouldn't get up for pregnant women on a bus.
Why should he care about not funding a paper mill,
that would probably supply some free paper along the way.

I also didn't eat meat.
I've been vegetarian for around 3 months now.
(As well as some time at school, I can't rember how long).
I was looking at vegan websites for recipies,
and vegetarian sites that were linked.
I watched a meet your meat video from PetaTV in America
on broiler chickens.
I'm always so afraid of watching videos on animal cruelty
because I get very upset and think about it for years,
but this wasn't too bad, it was basically just the story
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jGy9oTfH27s (its also on youtube)
of their 45 day life.

Apparently being a vegetarian saves 100 animals a year.
But when you think about it most people eat meat everyday
and not necessarily left overs from yesterdays meal.
So that means most people eat "a part of" 365 animals a year.

I've decided only to buy soy milk too from now on.

I'm also going to be very careful when I buy Free Range eggs,
as I learnt that just because the chicken isn't in a cage,
doesn't mean they have room to step away from the shit they've just done.

I'm so fucking angry.
Because its easier to give up than you think.

[I wish I was] on the dance floor.

Sometimes when I wake up
I wish that I was at a nightclub dancing.

My house ipod played Someday by the Strokes,
which is a fine song to dance to.

I don't want to go with people who worry about
getting home at a reasonable time.

Or people who don't get silly-drunk and fall over.
Falling over when drunk is the reason to get drunk.

I wish my lover was here.

()()()()()()()()()()()()&&&()()()()()()()()()()()()()

Its Monday.
I have a job interview today.

I have new shoes!

I'm going to smile all day.

That was today.
Tonight...

I passed both my assignments.
Just the exam to pass now.

I think I'm starting to accept that I'm not going to amount for anything.

Its easier to accept the following

a) I'm an audience member
b) I rate quality advertising
c) I'll never afford Onitsuka Tiger shoes
d) I wont own a country house so I can play drums
e) I am not a writer
f) I wont ever make felt covered hair clips
g) I don't buy people enough presents to justify 7 different kinds of tape
h) I'm useless at photography

At my interview today,
K the manager said
"So for the past 7 years, you've just side stepped?"

5 paper cranes

Another productive day at the office.

I have given up 3 things this year.
Biting my nails, meat and cigarettes.

I got more DVDs from my work's library.
Anatomy for beginners,
The day I died, (Near Death Experiences)
The Human mind,
The Greatest speeches of all time.

There is a theme here.
Its about knowing the basics of being,
so to know what it is to be doing.

I want to do stuff.
Pick me!

**************************************
I got into University today.
It wasn't the one I wanted.

**************************************

Seems like I jumped in a sinking ship.

My friend commissioned me to paint her this for her office wall.

Unfortunately its copied
and this one was half finished,
I can see 2 mistakes that I fixed already.

I take no credit for it. Its on Etsy.com

I wrote a comic about me painting this.
I might look into hosting a website for my comics.










This is my boyfriend.
He's scary.
He also told me I was his best friend
earlier in the week.

Its funny, because when I met him,
I was in a messy state.
We went on a date,
which was a drive to Maleny,
I had the intention of asking him to be my best friend.
Instead we kissed.

I went to the library at my work,
I read a few copies of the New Internationalist.
Which is great and I learnt that Carbon Offsets aren't good for the environment.
Basically you're sponsoring a tree, that holds the carbon.
Its going to hold the carbon until it dies and gives off the carbon anyway.
So really it should be called Carbon Postponements.

And got I a bunch of dvds.
Tonight I watched Surrealism in Art and Music
and The Human Body series.
The others were American,
so I have to see if my old lap-top wants to work.

But that's going to be my plan,
watch a lot of educational dvds over the summer break,
that and apply for jobs.

New Leadership

Woke up with a new hope,
ALP won the election.

Happy days.

I checked the education policy he'd put forward.
There was nothing in there about university funding.
Nothing about scrapping HECS or FEE-Help debts.
Nothing about free university.
Nothing about subsidising.
Nothing.
Fuck.

Why the hell do highschool students need a computer each?
Don't they do a lot of PE and Cooking?
Not to mention truancy.

That's the dumbest policy I've ever heard.

************************************************
Two funny things today:

1. Met some friends for a cup of tea at Retro,
they all had an election party the night before,
L said "When I woke up today I thought,
I've never been happier to be so hungover before".

2. M after seeing I was wearing 2 vests said
"Are you sure you didn't vote Liberals,
you're very conservative".

Hillarious.

Vote 1 - Kevin '07!!!

Today is a very exciting day.

I woke up early,
walked to the polling booth,
and voted for the Greens.
(Which goes to ALP).
They're coming third, which is a great sign,
hopefully they'll get some seats.

Its my first time voting for the senate,
as I'm a "New Australian".

According to the television,
ALP is ahead,
but too early to predict.

I must say that the ALP
are a good looking bunch.

8.08pm.

I went to the City Library today,

for a book making course.

I made this book (up),

and this book (down) was one I liked.

I first saw Artist's books at a university gallery in Brighton, UK.

Then in Brisbane and now in Melbourne.

Scaling a wall. A dream I read.

Ahem..

Good morning, my name is.....

Yesterday I was asked to scale a rock wall,
with my mentor.

A psychologist.

He set up the task,
brought my to this room,
with the wall.
The only thing he brought with him was
a thin blue rope.
We began by tying the rope to something that would
secure us,
in our decent.
He then tied the rope around himself and then onto me,
luckily, I tell you, we are quite close,
the extra tightness of the rope being around both of us,
was an added bonus, not only for the safety aspect.

We began our decent,
the wall had no foot holes,
it was extremely smooth.

There was nothing for us to do,
except swing,
and slowly decend,
by releasing the rope.

It was an arduous task.

When we reached the bottom,
not only was I excited, but he was too.
I don't believe for a moment that
this task was designed for only me to learn something.

We stood at the bottom looking up,
at where we had come from.
I felt the wall.

It was plaster board,
underneath the plaster was woodern pannels.

I suggested that he should have removed them,
as our job of absailing, would have been easier
with the wall stripped away,
revealing a variety of potential footholes
in the imperfect naturalness of the wall.

Upon reaching a conclusion
which means,
recording my experience,
and my emotions.
We left.

He presented the findings to the board,
and he asked me to write a piece base on my point of view.
Which also reached the Psychologist board desk,
and thus,
today I am here reading it to you.

He did ask me to change the beginning of the piece,
to make it in the form of a letter.

I took out the title.

And began:

-Dear Psychologists,
Good morning, My name is....

Yesterday I was asked to scale a rock wall,
with my mentor.

A psychologist.

When asked to perform a feat of bravery,
of such magnitude as to scale a wall,
with no foot holes.
With just a rope to hold onto and a psychologist.
I ask you who is the sane one?

Why,
it must be me because otherwise, you'd have no subject,
I'd have no home and none of you would be here today.

He set up the task.....



*******************************************************
I am writing and reading stories in my dreams.
This is the best one I have ever had in my entire life.
I am studying.
I have left it too late.
Its a smooth ride to failure.
I am on a caffeine high,
and averaging around 4-5 hours a night sleep.

*******************************************************
You don't need to understand it.
I just like being able to read in my dreams.
Its very cool.

Tit. le.

I have a new favourite artist.
Damien Hurst.
I went to the library on my lunch break,
and looked at random books.

Damien Hurst's
I want to spent the rest of my life everywhere,
with everyone,
one to one,
always,
forever,
now
was one of them.
It had lots of pictures of dead things,
and then the shark.

I like sharks.

I'm not sure what the title of his art
piece means.
The Physical Impossibility of Death in the Mind of Someone Living
Wait, I think I do.

ooohhh. ahhhh.

I have been studying solidly for 12 hours.

I am nowhere near where I wanted to be,
I guess I should have started this 2 weeks ago.

Nevertheless I've learned about something I'm feeling.

Its an Erikson theory on the internal working model.

If your bid for attention is met,
You feel worthy and loveable.
If your bid for attention is ignored,
You feel ashamed, loathed and unworthy.

The human condition is very interesting.

I'd like to have enough money to be a full time student.

M - You shouldn't read this blog at work,
your boss might click back through the screens,
read this and discover that you're moving to Melbourne.


Two reasons I'm boycotting the cafe downstairs from my work.
1. "Do you want sugar?" every bloody time.
- LOOK ITS VERY FUCKING SIMPLE, SMALL-FLAT-WHITE-TAKE-AWAY.
2. I bought a potato cake and asked for salt,
it was the first time I'd bought one.
The lady said "We know how you like it".

Target

This morning in my dream
I did the Target Anagram.
The word was IMAGINARY.

Sometimes I read,
or write poetry.
Now I'm doing word puzzles.

Maybe its a gift,
like being ambidexterous.

Who do I see about that?

I liked seeing you.

Aren't they just brilliant?
I was a little bit against buying
modern day converse designs.
But I've been looking at these
for a while.
When I want something for a while,
it means that I really do want it.
And I'm not just being a Gen Y,
wanting it now
and getting it now.
Because credit card bills are expensive.
Being Gen Y isn't what its cracked up to be.

Just like the xylophone I'm bidding on
on ebay.
I've wanted one for many years.

This one comes in a carry case,
and has the notes engraved onto the
um,
things that you hit.
I have to wait 7 days.

My lover told me to buy The Australian
today, I told him about my converse,
and he told me about the story in the paper about
beautiful French women, and how the clothes from the
30's are still fashionable today.
I told him that every French woman had a pair of converse.

So anyway, I went for a walk,
and bought the paper.

I told him that if he wanted to see beautiful,
he should buy The Age and look at the article
about Charlotte Gainsbourgh.

He said if he wanted to see beautiful,
he'd just look at the pictures of me on his phone.

This arranged relationship is strange.
We'll be together soon,
that's the plan.
And we'll be very happy,
because its what we've both
wanted for quite a while.

But somehow,
never got there.

Or perhaps, got there,
knocked on the door,
then ran off down the street,
and hid behind a car.

Who knows.

I decided to change the picture
on my profile.
I look different everyday.

My sister visted me yesterday,
and stayed over the night.
I enjoyed seeing her,
and today I drove her back to the RAAF base.
She texted me and said
"I liked seeing you".

Like mine, her eyes change colour,
and I think she also runs like me.
I think its great.
And a little bit weird.

Henna

4:40pm 5/11/07
M comes around and whispers to
everyone except me to go into the bosses office.
-If you want to talk about me, you could
have just told me to leave?
"You have to come too".

We go into the bosses room.

"Someone, I don't know who it was,
asked K (Big Boss) for work, whilst I was
away, now, this is very wrong as it looks like
we haven't got enough work and we might loose staff
members, I know we have been quiet, if you haven't got
work to do, then you just need to ask and we'll find some".

Everyone looks uncomfortable,
the boss, looking smug, pretending she's good cop.
When we all know she's just a fucking bitch.

- It was me, you were both away,
I was sick of reading procedures.

Jesus.

What kind of workplace tells you off
for asking for work?

"Also I've noticed a bit of noise coming
from you, so if I walk past, and say Shhh,
you just keep the noise down a bit".

I want to be noisy and scream:
-I wish an elephant had killed you in Thailand!
But who'd pay my rent?

Today I took my visual diaries in to show people,
most people didn't have time,
J had a look and told me I was really talented,
and I should persue something creative.
I really need people like him around me.

He also said "Get yourself set up here,
save a bit of money, but keep it in the back of
your mind, then start searching for what you want to do".

He told me he had depression a few years ago.

I didn't really like him at first,
but now I think he's more like me than
I like to admit to.

I hate the arses at work that want to give him
2 leaving parties.

-Two?
"One for him, and one for us after he's gone, to celebrate".

I walked away from this conversation and
out onto the street.
I have no idea who these people are.

Another odd situation,
at art class I was talking about
living alone to M, who agreed with
how great it was, how its so much easier,
but also bad too,
how I'd just booked a trip back to Brisbane
for Christmas, but I'm not going to tell anyone
I'm going (aside from family),
because, well its just easier not to,
and because I don't want to be guilted into
seeing people.

M said "You sound so much like me,
its unbelieveable".
(-Do I? What did I just say?
Will I say it tomorrow?)

You'd think after spending so much
time alone I'd know myself a little bit better.

After work today,
I went along with M to a charity
function at Richmond,
I was promised Turkish Delight & Henna painting.
Inside the town hall
was a few refugees
who'd made handcrafted bits of rubbish,
knitted booties, jumpers, shawls,
crochetted table runners, doilies,
beaded jewellery.
It was all a little uncomfortable,
I wasn't going to buy things I'd
only put in the charity bin outside.

I had Turkish Delight, which was brilliant
and we had our hands painted... see.

Mine is on the right,
and I smudged it getting my mirror
out of my bag to see if I had
Turkish Delight on my face.
Never mind.

Whilst I was outside this little
boy followed me,
I was going down the stairs so I helped him,
as I didn't want him to fall,
his mum came out and told him in Turkish to
go back in side.
She probably also said "She's a stranger".
Anyway he kept following me, so I smiled sympathetically
at his mum, you know the
'ah what a funny kid, not listening' look.
She was expressionless.
I nearly said -Put your kid on a fucking lead then.

Then this other Turkish woman put on a jingly belly dancing
belt thing, and got up on stage whilst her daughter,
played some Turkish hits on her Yamaha keyboard.
It was very sad.
I can do a better Beyonce bum wiggle than her,
but alas there was no alcohol,
only Baklava, and other countries' assorted foods.

I took my cue by the door,
when the Vietnamese lady got up and
sang a couple of tragic numbers.
Jesus, I don't care if they're poor.
They're a talentless bunch of weirdos.

M and her mother who's a nun,
who I found wouldn't talk to me much,
left also.

I was stranded in Richmond.
I walked to the tram stop,
and wondered if my smudgy hennad hand
and the 'delight was worth it.

By the way, I know lots of people
who's name begins with M,
so this probably doesn't make sense.
The first was my team leader.
The second was my newest friend,
who comes to art class and
the third is a work colleague.

P.S For Christmas I want
a drum kit and a xylophone.
(Not the crocodile shaped one from K-Mart).

Phantom musical talent.

My mum once told me about
phantom pains,
she used to be a nurse.

I have phantom musical talents.

Sometimes I think,
oh I'll just play that on my piano.
or
that'd be a nice tune to play on guitar.

I have no musical instruments.

But when I was at my sisters,
I learned the keyboard bit to
I am sound, by Dandy Warhols,
just from listening to it.

I wish my mum had encouraged me.

I have phantom talents.
Damn it.

Talents

Yesterday at work,
Halloween,
L was supposed to bring in her tiara.
She couldn't find it,
so I made her one out of paper.
And a wand.

I was told I was in the wrong business.
Yes. I'm sure I could be rich by now,
making tiaras out of paper.

Today M wanted a fascinator to wear at the races,
it had to be made out of the form guide.
I went to the cheap jewellery shop on Smith Street,
and bought a necklace that had a black feather,
and a clip.

I made a fucking beautiful fascinator,
everyone was impressed.
Or at least I thought so.
Sometimes after I do something like this,
I leave the room,
so as to give them an opportunity to
talk about me behind my back.

G asked if I'd always been creative,
and asked what else I did.
Not a damn lot actually.

This afternoon I said that I was giving
$5 hand massages.
I had 2 clients.
They both loved it,
but I didn't get any money.

I announced that I was very creative,
and they all agreed.
I said we should only employ people
that were talented,
we could fire the rest.

Suckful bitch said
General staff can fire other staff?
- yes.
- You're first.
She told us about her trip overseas,
and something awful that women do,
with pingpong balls and live animals.
She was showing off.
I had this look on my face,
that I thought showed that I thought
she was a twat.
And she laughed and said
I've totally disgusted you haven't I?
-That'll do. Yes.

Another day in paradise.

I had a good 3 hours sleep last night
Up early or out late?
Both.
My alarm went off after I’d burnt crumpets,
boiled eggs and had a shower.

I stood up on the tram reading a questionnaire
over the shoulder of the girl sitting.
From what I gleaned;
She started school age 5.
Left age 16.

What is your occupation?
– I have always been a hairdresser.
Describe your high-school experience?
– Shit.
Do you make friends easily?
- Yes.
Do you retain them?
- Some
When talking about sex at home when you were growing up,
what were the main points made?
- You have sex when you want to have a baby.
First sexual experience?
– Meaningless, I wanted to lose my virginity.
Past ambition
– To be famous.
Present ambition
– To have a happy quiet, simple home life with love and respect.
Hobbies
– making clothes
Length of your relationship
- (not boys) 5 years and 11 months.

And if that wasn’t enough personal information,
She got out her phone and texted
“Hey darling, just thinking of you and your first early gameover”.

What?
Oh dear.
We’ve learnt an important lesson today,
Do not air private things on trams.

Something slightly better that I read when I got to work.
A review of a book
“too bad it had to end, reading this book was like being with a friend”.
That’s lovely.

The lady downstairs in the café says take away like this
Taik a-why, dar-ling?

Excellent.
Just got a phone call from the newsagency,
He should be collecting my 2008 diary from the warehouse tomorrow.

Further to that,
he just texted me to say that he'd have to special order it
from a village on the outskirts of lower eastern china,
ship it to Australia, and have it delivered by courier pigeon
to Melbourne.

By the time I get it,
it'll be 2008.

I'll take my chances myself.

Rejection is a positive.

I have decided to quit
studying love and war.
Shakespeare just doesn't do it for me.
Actually more honestly,
I have no idea what he's on about.

I feel so happy about it,
it was weighing me down.
Now I can read books,
cut pictures out of magazines,
and watch peep show.

Tonight at art class,
I'm going to look for an evening job.
I want to be rich.
I don't really care what I do,
just so long as I can do whatever I like.
(Outside of work).

I think I want to write.
I am very good at writing,
sometimes.
Lots of people have commented on it.
And it hides the fact that I am actually
very very shy to the point of
needing a hug,
to assure myself that people don't
mind being around me.
I forgot.
And I am an idiot,
because I should have sold myself.
I have lots of interesting things to say.

I like who I am.

ooohhh I gotta lust for life!

I think I nearly almost cried
from boredom.
I checked my long service leave,
and it hasn't been processed.
I can't leave until it has been.

Dollface and I had a very interesting
email conversation yesterday regarding
the fact that part of her school debt,
is paying for me to sit here bored.

I attributed it to the similarity,
of a lolly-pop lady,
having to stand at the side of the road
and wait for children, so that she can
do her job.
That and the sheer fact that if they
let go of staff members,
its very difficult to justify the need
for them when (if) it does get busy.

Here I am sitting in my smart
pinafore dress,
feeling better than everyone,
yet doing absolutely nothing at all.
I am very disillusioned by work.
I truely am destined for something
more meaningful.
Please find me.
I'm here, in Melbourne.
And I only have to give 2 weeks notice.

If not.
3 months?
I can do that.

I looked up the translations to Sigur Rós.
And I wish that I grew up in Iceland.

You can't go there.

Its my first day as a permanent
staff member.
We're having a system upgrade.
So we're going home at lunch time.

I've decided to stay in the city,
maybe the NGV, maybe the cinema,
maybe put stuff I like
on a wishlist, maybe buy the paper and
do the crossword in a cafe.

Whatever it is, it'll be an adventure.
I'll even take pictures on my camera phone
to share.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Ok its 3:11.
I'm going home in 49 minutes.
We had a liquid lunch.
And we talked about my getting
a permanent job,
and that my old boss
liked me because with most temps,
they don't last long,
or they're useless.
"With you, just show you a couple
of screens and leave you to it".

Its a compliment.



I was guilted into staying.
There is literally nothing
to do today.
I've answered about 6 phone calls.
But at least I'm listening to my ipod.

I went to the shop with my
cafe latte in my Chicago mug.
The man in the shop,
told people the other day,
that I was his favourite customer,
today he said
"My coffee's aren't good enough
for you anymore?"
-I have a Chai Latte!
"I make those".

I bought a chocolate and
wished I had more money,
and that he was better looking.

The boys from the other side of
the building were hanging out
outside, they're a bit emo,
he was wearing an iron maiden shirt.
I am wearing my skinny jeans
and Macbeths.
I prayed he didn't ask me what kind
of music I liked.
Um. Kent?
I have one saving grace,
I LOVE The Scare.
They're kind of Macbeth-shoe
wearing-OKAY.
What am I worried about?
No one ever talks to me.

So from my adventures today,
I have one photo so far.
The graffiti in the bar,
was tattoos.



I came back to work,
twirled my umbrella
and looked at etsy.com
This is lovely.
I'm now leaving in 38 minutes.

I'm only here because the suckfulbitch
who's going on holiday with the boss
is here.

Do I claim freedom of speech,
if anyone from my new work reads this?

Disclaimer: Lapses of diplomacy happen often.

I'm going to make a calendar at
art class on Monday night.



|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*
My mother yesterday said to me that she
wants to go home.
She then said
"Do you know what I mean by that?"
-Yes, home is the nostalgia of every
warm memory you've ever known.

You can't go there.

Overall thought

Tuesday 25th September 2007 3:48pm.
I am officially bored.

These are my thoughts for this afternoon.
I often wonder if someone asks you,
"What do you think of..."
Will I have an answer?

Here goes.

1. What do you think of Lawn Bowls?
I used to work at a Bowls club.
My most memorable times were
a) talking to Captain, he used to be
a gymnast for Australia.
b) shouting at a long-term member,
telling him I'd kick him out for being rude,
after I'd put his kino on for 200 games at $1
instead of 1 game for $200,
I told him, he shouldn't gamble his money away if
he was going to be so concerned about it.
c) cute couple B and G,
met at bowls when they were 15.
they are now 19,
and have bought a house together.
Overall thought: Positive.

2. What do I think of sellotape?
a) its called sellotape not stickytape.
b) its very useful
c) it yellows with age
Overall thought: Positive.

3. What do I think of trashy magazines?
a) i like to look at the fashion pictures
b) i like to do the crossword
c) i don't buy them
Overall thought: Positive.

4. What do I think of working at Uni?
a) its easy to study/use library etc
b) getting paid for doing very little
c) they don't use recycled paper
Overall thought: Positive.

5. What do I think of the current government system?
a) there is still gst on tampons
b) my education isn't free
c) they should make healthcare free, encouraging us to
spend $30 a month on private health care to lessen the burdon
on the health care system is a sham.
we could spend $30 to sponsor a child each month.
(I choose to sponsor a child, instead of paying for private health care).
Overall thought: Negative.

I am so bored today.
Tomorrow I'm going to bring in my assingments.
4:01pm.

and I still go to the shop to buy sweets.

This photo was taken in Sydney in July 2007.
My sister was with me.
I'd just been stalked by some guy,
who followed me into priceline.
I was not in the mood to hug strangers.

Maybe its completely normal,
but I often feel a bit silly,
after the fact of,
going to the shop
just to buy sweets.

Not just regular sweets either,
yesterday I bought sour roll-up straps,
fizzers and fads.

Honestly, is it any wonder
I wake up with a hangover.

I'm trying to clean up my flat a bit,
if M is moving in,
then I'll need to sort my shit out.


Right now I've got a pile of letters
on the table, I re-read them, cut out the
best bits and put them in a scrapbook
that I started about 6 years ago.
Dollface has written to me almost every
week forever, she's stopped now that
we're 2 tram stops apart,
which is probably a good thing
for the environment.
Although saying that
a lot of them are on the back of something.
I just cut out a bit that she wrote after
going to a fashion show and talking to a stylist..
"Since when did matching a top to
a pair of fucking shoes,
become a job?"

Yesterday we went to see Forbidden Lies.
At St Kilda,
its nice to go across town sometimes.
Norma Khouri is amazing,
I just can't get over the fact that
although she knows and we know she's lying,
she still lies.
How can you live your life full of twisted up facts?
My regular life is hard to keep up with,
let alone one full of made up tales.

No I wasn't at the supermarket,
I was in the carpark,
oh I was at the supermarket,
but I wasn't buying anything.
Yes I have the loaf of bread,
but I paid for it.
I got caught,
because they said I stole it,
but I bought it from another shop,
I will not deny this.
I didn't buy it from here,
I wasn't even here.
I was over there.

There's got to be a medical explanation,
for that woman.
To me she's amazing.
But I would never ever talk to her.

She appplied to do Law at my old uni,
but didn't get in.

Nevertheless her story,
although a lie,
is still reality.
So good on her for that.
Sort of.



I repotted some indoor plants
yesterday.
Three times now, my cat has
dug the soil out all over the floor.
Discipline is something I have to learn.

I want to be full of money.

I have to make a move,
Sunday is slowly slipping away from me.
I slept lots this weekend,
I just wanted it to be over.
But now I don't.

You know what you deserve?

In the lift at lunch time there
was a courier with a leather eye patch.
It was so bizarre,
like Tank Girl or Mad Max!
I thought he was so cool.

I got the job,
even after being told off
for the 'way' I asked for
what I'm worth.
I got the salary I want,
I also got a
"We'll soon find out if you
deserve it".

R told me that they're all
a bunch of hicks from Glenroy.
He left yesterday.
For the better uni.

I only knew him for a couple of weeks,
but it was the best couple of weeks.
I really liked the way,
he openly hated the uni,
and my new manager.
I liked the way he stuck up for
the Aspergers girl.
He said he was proud of her for
quitting before she was fired.
She's smarter than the lot of them.

I liked the way that he talked
about his family,
giving his daughter his last $10,
his coffee machine collection
and said marrying his wife was
the best thing he ever did,
for the love and the finances.
(I complained that being single
is no good on the finances).

He gave me a cd of his band.
Stalag 13,
Its pretty cool.
And he thanks Mike Ness,
I thank Mike Ness.

If Blogger now
has no choice of
font or colour,
or the opportunity to use my
primative html skills,
then I'm leaving.
Do you hear that you corporate fucks?!

Last night after work,
I went to a 5pm screening of Once.
I had to ask where the Dendy was,
I don't know what it is about talking to
strangers, it came out all wrong,
a bit eastern european.
Excuse me, do you knew where kino is, dendy is?
It was so lovely,
I almost cried,
I wish my lover was here.
Afterwards I just wandered around the city,
it was cold and raining
and there was awful collingwood scum,
hanging around.
I just wanted to sit in a cafe.

I got the book called
No one belongs here more than you
by Miranda July.
I started reading it on the tram home,
thinking that it'd be better if I knew
she had something wrong with her,
the way she writes is a little bit cringeworthy.

Thanks to:
Mike Ness.

I don't want your money honey, I want your love.

Talked to M this morning,
we've both put the lottery on.

Because its the only way we'll be together.

*****************************************

This old lady knocked on my door
this morning,
I sneaked up to look
through the peep hole and
her head was bent down and
she just kept knocking.

She eventually gave up.
And ambled upstairs.
I felt a little bad.
But its my door and I'll choose whether
to answer it or not.

***********************************

I got the job and I start at the end of the month.
My new desk is next to the front door.
Where everyone can see
which porn sites I look at.

***************************************

There's a guy at my work who types with
his two middle fingers.
I'm doing it now and its bloody hard.

Have a go yourself.

There's nothing for you here.

I had a dream I was at a carnival
in Royston Vasey.
It was awful and all the stalls,
and tents were dark and bleak.
There was someone fire breathing.
I don't know why I was there,
I had to wear a big dress,
and had big hair,
and then once the girls were all ready,
we left and walked through the carnival,
with its horrid people saying their carney speak.
A lady in the fortune teller tent offered to tell my fortune,
I didn't have time
and she said 'you'll regret it'.

4 things happened today.

1. I have 2 tram crushes.
The first is much younger then me, he has greasy hair.
I've seen him a few times and like to keep looking up from my book,
try to catch his eye as I pretend to look out the window.
Its sort of an upward movement of my eyes,
and then a turn of the head.
(I really must hire someone to spy on me one day,
just to see if I am really a loser).
He hides behind his fringe and ignores me.

The other I saw today,
actually he saw me.
So I started to wonder
if I could like someone in light brown cords
and an ugly green zipper jumper
and I decided,
probably,
because he has the same shoes as me.
It was great in the end, because the tram was so packed
that I managed to sneak off, without him even seeing me,
so the next time he'd look up, I wouldn't be there.
It felt great.

In my romantic head,
I decided that when the doors had closed,
and a few people had moved aside,
he'd see my empty seat,
and his heart would fall.

I told Dollface and she told me that
R gets the free paper MX from the city
and reads the letters page,
heaps of people write funny things
like "I saw you on the 96 tram,
you were listening to your Ipod,
I had on a red cardigan,
let's miss a tram together".

(I don't catch the 96 tram).

2. I decided to wear my wrap dress, jeans
cardigan and converse.
My supervisor at lunch said:
"C____, you have so many clothes,
I don't think I've ever seen you in the
same outfit twice, I feel so daggy in
what I wear".
Which because she'd said she felt so daggy,
I took it as a compliment.

Then later, another lady said,
"Its an interesting outfit you're wearing,
you can put the dress and the jeans on in the
morning and take the jeans off later in the day,
when it warms up a bit".
I said it was my Indian look.
(I also have a riding look).
She laughed alot.
And said "If you feel comfortable..."

I'm not sure, and yes I do.

3. I went to Fitzroy gardens on my lunch break,
my intention was to take a photo of the statue,
of the girl who has the same shaped boobs as me.
I was going to then take one of mine,
and do something arty on photoshop.
I got embarrassed and all I had was my camera phone anyway.

I sent a text to M about it,
this was our conversation:
-I was going to do this arty thing... etc.
"Show me your tits",
-God M, go have a wank.
"God C, take a chill pill".
- I am chilled, tell me you love me sometime,
instead of 'show me your tits'.
"Love you... I'm sure that in the next couple of days
I'll make you smile lots and gush with happiness".
-What about?
"If I tell you now you won't have the same effect!"

What effect am I going to have?

I didn't know what to say.
Goodie?
Can it be now?
Can you give me a hint?
What is the first letter and the last letter?
A couple of days is Thursday.


4. I downloaded 2 Carpenters songs.
a) Killing me softly
b) Don't you remember you told me you loved me baby.


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Art class was a success last night,
Dollface came over and she knitted,
then we sorted stamps for charity,
then she knitted some more and
I made a bird out of felt.
She made a star with rosy cheeks.

After she'd gone home I texted M,
and he said "How many girls did you have?"
-1/3, I guess no one likes me,
apart from Dollface.

Anyway my new favourite band
is Kent.