Oh to be

After I'd gotten off the train today
I realised that it would be the last time
I'd take the train to Zone 9.

I cried twice today.
I cried for a lost love,
who doesn't like my cat.
I am very sorry about that,
but I'm very lovely, despite my pet.

I don't know what to feel.
I mustn't have made
any difference,
to him.

A brought baby L in to see me today,
it was good to see her before I left.
I got to hold the 6 week old baby girl.
She was so tiny and lovely and new.
I want one, when I get my new flat.

My last day tomorrow,
Going for drinks after work,
going to see a band,
say goodbye a hundred times,
sleep,
wake,
shop for a dress I liked,
collect my shoes,
have a picnic,
home,
pack,
sleep,
wake,
drive,
fly.
Holiday.
I'll get excited tomorrow night,
one thing at a time.

Soon.
Far far away.
Get my own little place again.
Send for Kitty.
Go out with my friends,
go to galleries,
shop,
play kicking up leaves in the street,
stay inside and sew lovely things,
because its too cold outside,
write,
cut pictures out of magazines,
see what my new desk at work looks like.
And maybe find that lover, I always wanted.

I think I might hire someone to spy on me,
I'd like to see photos of me doing random things,
I thought about this,
this morning;
Snap - getting off the train
Snap - walking down the stairs
Snap - buying a coffee
Snap - crossing the street
Snap - trying to get the hair out of my face for the 20th time due to the wind
Snap - entering my building

Yeah that'd be rad.

I could make you ice-cream, we could be a sweet-team.

I kind of want my new flat
to hurry up and arrive now,
I really really want to be in my new home,
I'm sick of living in one room,
with all my stuff in boxes,
and my clothes in a suitcase.
I could never do this permanently.

w22222222222222222222222222222

That was Kitty typing.
I'm sitting on the edge of my bed,
with the lap-top on one knee,
and Scully on my other.

Living at home is pretty sweet though,
my mum just offered me a Cornetto.

I have a feeling that something
with this Japan trip is going to go
horribly wrong.
The Magic 8 Ball gives no clues,
with its "You will have to wait" rubbish.

I should be writing selection criteria,
or my book review, any little excuse to
get out of doing it...
Like studying.

When I worked at the races the other week,
this girl who was 17 talked to me
before our shift started.
We swapped names and ages.
I asked her why she was working
in high-heels, she said that she hadn't been
home after going out.
Then she asked the question
I've always wanted to be asked.
"What have you done with your life?"

Well where do I start?
Do I start?
Do I want to tell you?
Lets stick to the small talk.
-I like your shoes.

I didn't know what to say, it was the best
opportunity to reel off my life.
A 3-minute This is your life.
I just couldn't be arsed.

W at work is scare-mongering.
She asked me how I was getting to Melbourne,
I told her I was driving.
She told me to google a Steven Spielberg film called Duel.
I googled it as Jewel,
and told her she'd made it up.
She sent me the link,
its about an evil ghost lorry,
that follows innocent man in car,
along an American highway.

I told my mum about it,
and I said "Hey I'm tough,
I can take on any ghost lorry".
Hai-ya!
She said "You're very tough on the outside,
but you're not very tough at all".
- No I'm not, I cried on the train the other
day thinking about the time I gave
E a badge that I made, that said
"This is my favourite badge".
I thought about it and decided that I
do a lot of nice things for people sometimes.
It made me smile.
I thought that I could be a hard bitch in my next
relationship, see how that worked out for me,
then I remembered that a fortune teller told me
that I was a kind hearted person, who always gave
and gave and that it was a trait that is very desirable,
and that I should never change.
Then I cried and had to put my sunglasses on.


Amazing how my mind works,
claustrophobic one minute,
bored the next,
in pops a thought,
I smile,
feel happy,
then I cry.
hmmm.

Hurrah for nearly being new home time!
Its 10 minutes closer than it was
at the first sentence.

Why is this happening to me, I'm not a child.

I went to my old office and said hello and goodbye.
"How have you been?"
- good
“Have you got a boyfriend?”
- no
“Oh you’ll find one in Melbourne”.
"When you least expect it".
- yeah

Melbourne, the great boyfriend finder.
I'll find him unexpectedly,
apparently he'll be on a bus,
or waiting in a queue.

When I do actually find him 'unexpectedly',
he'll say "BOO!"
and I'll jump a mile and then laugh
and we'll run off holding hands,
into the sunset.

Or maybe he'll be in a cupboard,
because that's the last place I'd expect to find one.

I nearly cried on the train today,
but I didn't know what for,
so I didn't.

I nearly cried at lunch time,
but then I got a lavender milk tea
with bubbles.

Then I realised that the stupid boy
didn't put bubbles in,
so I nearly cried about that.

I frowned today and got told that
it was a childish thing to do.
"You should invite mail boy"
- No
"Yeah, you should, why not?".
- [frown]

No way man, if I need to frown I will.
You don't suddenly think,
"Oh I used to frown, when I was younger".

I used to be a punk rocker.
I grew out of that.
Frowning is for life,
its a way of life,
I live and breathe to frown.
Its not just for christmas,
a frown is for life.

I think I'm gearing up for one
big tantrum.

Does anyone want to come and live
with me in New York?

Brrr.

Only the wind can make me run to work.

And only a few people at my work,
who I am afraid of,
can walk past and make me fee guilty enough
to make me stop watching youtube,
and work.

Actually I stopped watching youtube,
started listening to music,
and wrote here,
because he'd gone back to his office.

So I'm a liar.

7 more work days to retirement.
I'd better put the lottery on tonight.

Are you kidding?

I was walking to work thinking that I
probably should have made more
of an effort with my hair,
especially considering that my outfit was good.

Then not to feel bad all day,
I remembered that there's someone
out there for everyone.

Today, for me, its the baby Jebus.

I can't help but smile walking through
stinktown.
I bump into people I know,
go into the music shop,
say hello,
wave at random ex co-workers,
wave at random ex student friends,
and by some twist of unfortunate-ness,
and look directly into the eyes
of someone I once
shagged.
Once.

He was smirking.
I didn't recognise him until he'd passed.
Lucky for me.

I think its life's annoying little way of making
sure that I say goodbye to everyone I ever knew.
Even if I don't want to.

Maybe I'm dying,
not moving across the country.

Oh dear.
Wait, I'll ask the Magic 8 Ball.
"Am I going to die soon?"
"My sources say no".
I trust the Magic 8 Ball,
to no end.
It was wrong today about someone
who didn't say hello to me.
But I'll give it one error.

Well that was weird,
I asked it if good mail boy was going
to come in today,
It said "You will have to wait",
then it quickly flipped over,
just as crappy mail boy opened the door,
and said "Are you kidding?"

Are you kidding?
You've scared good mail boy away.

Bugger.

I like how my boss starts talking,
then half way through says
"You'll have to let me know how
far you've gotten with your
procedure writing".
then carries on with some other rubbish.

Procedure writing is the bane of the
employee who's resigned.
That last little kick.

Yay I'm getting $506 back on my bond.
I went shopping to celebrate,
but all I got was a sandwich from 7-11.

Japan-san is so so close.
I should be good and wait.
Hai!
Kawaii desu ka?
Hai!
Kore wa nan desu ka?
Hai!
Domo arigato Mr Roboto.
Secret, secret I've got a secret.
Hai!

Thank you and good night.

Here's me savouring and enjoying
Saturday 16th of June, 2007.

I wake up,
get dressed,
feed the cat,
get my study notes,
get in my car
and drive to Brisbane for my exam.

I arrive early,
find my room,
chat to some old class friends.
One of them said she tried to move to
Melbourne but got no luck with the credit.
Looks like I might be changing careers.
Correction "Career path",
I might become a writer.
S says "Oh hi",
in that ,I'd like to say more to you way,
too late.

The exam was fairly easy,
I probably should have studied,
and I probably should have realised
that even though there's 60 questions,
its only worth 40%.
I tallied 23 definites.
I don't know what that means.
Half time comes and everyone has finished.
Our papers are collected and the supervisor
looks at the clock, its 3 minutes to half time.

We just sit there, and he gives up and says
"Hey by the time you've collected your bags it'll be half time".
We laugh and leave, and I almost run away from the place.
I say bye to no one.

I call L, tell her I'll meet her at Gloria Jean's.
I want to avoid the obvious.
For the obvious.
I start writing a letter to Dollface,
and this lady I've managed to avoid
for around 11 years recognises me
and sits down.
She's my first boyfriend's mother.
She asks about my life.
I tell her,
she tells me about my first boyfriend,
his recent tour with Norma Jean.
She asks for my number,
I give it to her.
She says "Do you want mine?"
I say "No, I probably wont call you".

L arrives, we look for the fortune teller.
But we can't find her,
I feel ill and we eat McFood.
We sit in McWhirters in the valley,
I ask her if she's always going to be my friend.
She said "Yes, and I can imagine that our families
will never meet and my husband will say 'she doesn't
exist does she?', we'll run away and have our meetings,
because that's the way it is".

I tell her about my unlucky loves.
She tells me hers.
I ask why men are so strange,
why they say things they don't mean,
why they can't just be honest and figure
out what they're trying to say before they say it.
Because its really rather confusing.

We're going to drive the Great Ocean Road together.
Road trips are great.

I ask her if I should contact S whilst in Sydney.
He's an old friend of mine which ended embarrassingly.
She said "Definitly".
Its going to take a lot of courage.
But I'm curious to understand why the hell
I got so caught up with him, and to say sorry.

I drive to the city in hope of finding
a fortune teller.
We go to Elizabeth Arcade,
go into the spell shop,
ask how much a reading is,
$50 for 30 minutes.
Fuck that for a joke.
Which it probably is.
We're on our way out of the shop,
when someone enters and the lady
behind the counter says:
"You've come about the book you've ordered".

Why the fuck didn't she say
"You've come in for a reading that you
can afford, but because you got one for $20
previously, you'll hate our inflated city price of $50",
to me, when I entered?

Instead we get photoshop photos done,
go shopping for tights,
and have coffee.

We go into Marcs,
I see a dress I love for $229.
I tell her that I'm going to be rich
in Melbourne, because its all I want to be.
She said that she had a friend who said that,
their philosophy was why not be rich.
Why not indeed.
60 hour weeks are worth every happiness
a $229 dress will bring.

I drive L back to the valley,
say bye and she thanks me for hanging out with her.
She doesn't need to thank me.

I drive to M's house.
She's out and I talk to her boyfriend.
I tell him my news of the past 1.5 months,
M comes home, I repeat my news of the past 1.5 months,
M and K come around with baby J and K,
we watch the slide show of B and M's recent holiday to America,
its great and I really want to go one day.

Then later we go to P's house,
say hello, then they leave to
watch a band,
M says "Thanks for coming over",
she doesn't need to than me.

I go home,
Its 10pm,
its hard to keep my eyes focused on the road,
Its been a big day.

I say hello to kitty
and write this.
Good night.

How time can move both fast and slow amazes me

I was talking to my mother the other day,
I told her my time here was moving
very fast and also very slow at the same time.

She told me to savour it,
to enjoy this phase of my life.

Here's me savouring and enjoying
Thursday the 14th of June 2007.

I wake up to Regret by New Order on my mobile,
I turn it off and close my eyes.
16 minutes later I get out of bed,
open the curtains and the window,
have a shower,
get dressed,
yesterday I felt like a boy in jeans,
today its a skirt, tights, heels,
all in black, apart from red buttons.
I wake my sister up,
I stir her porridge whilst she has a shower.
She has a job interview in the city.
She takes ages, I'm ready and trying to hurry her
along, she says to go and she'll catch the next train.
I tell her I'm waiting another 8 minutes.

We leave together,
she uses my student card to get a discounted ticket.
We stand up on the train, there's barely enough room to
stand, it takes ages.
I say goodbye at my stop,
which is Roma Street,
I like getting off at Roma Street,
because its the traveller's station.

I walk along George Street,
I need to get to the bank,
as I gave my change to my sister,
I get money out, buy a 7-11 sandwich,
a coffee and get to work.

I told A that I'd lent my sister my student card,
she said "Look I found this the other day,
I think it looks like me, but I haven't tried using it yet".
She shows me some students ID card that she found,
that kind of looks like her.

We work, mail boy comes in
and S says "Ladies", we both look up
at mail boy, ha. He silently collects the mail,
and leaves probably to the sound of us giggling.

Yesterday at staff drinks A tells me to look
at the blond IT guy,
blond IT guy is ugly and I tell her
that we're sad to pick the best of a bad bunch
at everything we go to.

My workplace doesn't employ sexy boys,
no matter how many times I request it.
Mail boy is ok.
S tells me that she's going to introduce herself to him,
and that we need some kind of code so A and I can get
ready to look at him.
I said "Say pineapple, or banana".
She says that she's going to ask his name,
I said "Its C" and she says "I didn't hear that,
I'll ask him myself".

Lunch time comes around fairly quickly.
I read Life of Pi, its a really good book.
I'm back at work and mail boy comes in,
S introduces herself,
"Hi, I don't think we've met,
I'm S, I'm new here".
He says "So you're the new girl"...
I say "Ahhh", because she's 50-odd.
"Do you know C? Did you know that she's leaving?",
He says "Yes I know, we've met and I know she's leaving".

He leaves and we giggle some more,
and I blush and tell her she's like an
embarrassing mother.
She said "I didn't warn you because
I didn't know if we'd decided on the code,
pineapple or banana?"
She said she nearly invited him to my leaving do.
The invitation blew off the desk,
she said,
"It was fate, I almost picked it up and said, Oh this is for C's leaving do,
did you want to come?".

That'd just be great.
And entirely pointless.

Anyway, 20 minutes later,
I bring up mail boy to A,
who sat quietly hidden the entire time.
Then I said "How sad am I bringing up
mail boy 20 minutes later".
She said that she was going to say that.

A friend I used to work with a long time ago
sent me an email and said they eloped to Fiji.
Sent me a few pictures.
I'm so pleased for her, she's so lovely
and her husband is pretty sweet.
Now pray for the baby who wont catch...
Please...

I make note of the trainstations
I'll need in Japan,
And which exit and which street
to walk on to my hotel.
One of my hotel's is called
Super Hotel.
I think I'll like Super Hotel.
It cost the most, like 8 times more than the other two.
And it has pictures with things like
"Women like this pack of hair product".
"Make use of the hair dryer".

I leave and walk through the park,
I meet up with D,
we walk up town together,
he's going to buy a lasagne dish from David Jones.
Its on sale.

I get the free paper,
another free paper,
buy 2 magazines
and collect an Epoch Times,
the poor man didn't get any takers,
he beamed when I took one,
Its a boody good read,
left-wing and just great.

I get the only seat available to me,
which is horizontal and between two fat men.
I can't read the paper, because its too big
to change pages.
I read my magazine,
play my mobile phone game,
think about killing myself,
The train trip is just long enough,
that by about 25 minutes you
start wondering the best way to
get off the miserable thing.
That's by killing yourself.
Then I remembered my sudoku,
I turned to the page in the paper,
the man next to me looked over my
shoulder, I almost filled out the crossword
to read "Fuck off looking at my stuff".
Then he turned away opened his bag,
and took out his sudoku book.

I smiled to myself,
I like starting mini-trends.

I get home, my sister is at work,
my father is in bed with a headache,
my mother asks what I want for tea.
Nothing.
She makes me egg and chips.
I read the letter Dollface wrote to me.
Its all very exciting.

My mother asks me why I don't have a
social life.
I said because I can't be bothered.
Its easier to come home,
have tea,
fuck about,
then sleep.

Besides I have exam prep,
for Saturday's exam,
I already feel guilty for reading
a magazine on the train instead of my notes.

Melbourne will be different,
I'll have my rad new pad,
start going out again.
I'm going to have a regular
art-class again,
its going to be called
Who's wine is it anyway?

I don't mention everything here.
And I never will.

Tetris

My mum came in the other night
and saw me packing, she said
"Its become an obsession with you".

Its tetris for my stuff.
The more I can fit-in the happier I'll be.
I don't like not having my things around me.
Its not an obsession, its practical.

This week went fairly quickly.
Its dark when I leave home in the morning
and dark when I get home in the evening.
I'm getting used to having to sit
on the floor on the train,
although its bloody freezing.
It not a problem having to sit on the
floor, the problem is how slow the trains go.
Why do they have to slow down to go through
every bloody station?
If they're worried about the people
at the station falling on the tracks then
put up suicide gates like in Japan.
And people should be more responsible
for themselves anyway.
I shouldn't complain at least I get
enough time to do exam prep.

I got to work today and threw up twice
and once more for luck.
I don't know what it is,
sick of working no doubt.
Its too far to go home.

Its amazing just how much shite
you go through in moving house.
And I haven't even moved house yet.
I'm only half way there.
I updated the cat's registration address.
I completely forgot about that.
And I got the call from the really straight,
"Did you have a cat at your property?"
No, I hate cats.

Apparently I did.

And now I have to replace the carpet.

I already have my first gig lined up for Melbourne.
Hurrah!

Bye Miss Lewis

Well school is over.
Said bye to the little darlings today.

Said goodbye to another little darling too,
I wish I didn't have to.
I'm leaving because it wont go any further than what it is,
you know I want more from it.
I don't really understand why.
Maybe I smell?

Well I'm glad I left early today
because I forgot that I had to take my car
to get serviced.
I left my car and got a taxi.
Went to school.
Got a lift back with one of the girls,
got my car,
went to uni to collect my assignment.
31/40. Total so far 57%.
I still have an exam worth 40% to go.
I've already well and truely passed.
Sometimes I surprise myself,
and I'm glad I've found my calling.
Its certainly not pushing paper.

Dollface got her house.
So at least I've somewhere to stay now.
Fresh start.
16 degrees.
Not knowing more than 4 people.
Its a tiny bit scary.
Its also a tiny bit exciting.

I don't feel there is a point of
not finding out what there is in the world.
We've only death to catch us up,
might aswell make the most of it.