Light and inspiration.

I got home tonight
and immediately wished for something to change,
drastically.

Then I saw the light on my phone,
one message.
That's it.
Its got to be it.
Play message,
dial tone.
Fuck it all to fuck.

I'm drawing toothpaste tonight, for lack of inspiration
of anything better to draw for my assignment.
I'll put them up here soon.

My "What do I want to happen with my body when I die"
story is on the www.learningtoloveyoumore" website,
M said "Wow, you're in print."
I realised that LDN is the airport code for Nepal,
not London, which makes sense as there isn't a London Airport
is there?
No C. There isn't.

These are pictures I took for my photography assignment.

Team Zissou!

This is what I received for

my Wes Anderson swap.

I love it.

Team Zissou doll!

http://www.swap-bot.com/

I found this http://methodizaz.com/,

hire paparazzi to take pictures of you in the street.

Its exactly what I want.

M at work said that she would hate it.

She said that she saw a gallery display of street photos

of random people and everyone was ugly.

She said she would sue anyone who displayed a photo

with her in it, without permission.

I just want to know what I look like,

generally, day-to-day.

I often feel I walk funny, or frown a lot.

It'd be a good way to know for sure.

I submitted an assignment for

http://www.learningtoloveyoumore.com/

I'm not sure if it'll get posted,

but it was fun to write.

*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&

Assignment #51 Describe what to do with your body when you die.

I want to be cremated as cheaply as possible, no fancy pants send-off for me.

I want “Where do you go to (my lovely)” by Peter Sarstedt repeated
in a deafening volume, during the cremation.

I want you to buy at least 50 vials, which you will fill with my ashes.

I want you to then take these vials to a busy airport such as LDN and place them,
unsuspectingly into people’s pockets.

I want the label on the vials to read. “Can I come too?”

I want the labels to be printed in Calibri font.

I want the people to feel the adrenalin rush of finding a vial of mysterious powder in their pockets after they’ve stepped off the plane at their destination.

I want them to read the label, and be horrified and then feel special to have been chosen.

*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&

Dollface said this one line..

“Can I come too?”

is very me.

If it goes on the website, I'll remove it from here.

My favourite is Andreas Trolf, but he was my favourite before.

(from http://www.fecalface.com/ - how to make a pin hole camera).

http://www.learningtoloveyoumore.com/reports/51/trolf_andreas.php

This is great.

http://colorwar2008.com/submissions/youngnow

Youngme / Nowme.

Not all of the photos work, but its a lovely idea.

I love the people who've really tried hard

to replicate their pictures, like this man:

http://colorwar2008.com/camper/thebruce0/youngnow

fantastic

or this one:

http://colorwar2008.com/camper/BOLL7708/youngnow

***************************************************************************

My first boyfriend,

who is now in the band called,

A secret death,

who is also about 50kgs heavier now

who tried to add me to his myspace as a friend.

He's the only boy I ever went out with

who was younger than me.

I never did that mistake again.

It lasted about 4 months.

His first message was

"Guess who it is?"

I ignored him.

His second message was:

RE: add me god dammit!
Body:
ok miss c* angharrad l* (can't spell)!!!

I see you've logged on you better add me next time!bye fer now

I added him and replied:

Fine you're added.

But you're not my friend.

Hmph!

Pretty impressed that he remembered my middle name,

even if he spelt it wrong.

* Name hidden for..

oh so many reasons.

Fortune

If someone finds this entry,
can you please suggest my next move.

Not funny

This is one of my newest favourites.
http://www.asofterworld.com/index.php?id=297
-How do you classify this kind of humour?
M: "not funny."

I watched Kenny today.
Brilliant.

My favourite line was
"This is what annoys me the most,
Davo woz ere,
can't spell for a starter,
what a claim to fame that is,
imagine if he went to the Eiffel Tower,
he'd want a golden handshake, a brass band
and a fucking fireworks show.
This is his claim to fame.
He's been to our shitter,
what a fucking muppet."

I've also finished watching the first
8 episodes of Underbelly.
What a great show.

I told M at work and she said
"I must be the only person in Melbourne
that hasn't seen it."
It hasn't been officially released in Melbourne yet.

I totally went off the point of what I was going to say here.
I'm writing a comprehensive list of every gig I can remember going to.

I want to violate you.

This is a picture of my 360* panorama drawing.

I got good comments about the statue and the tree.

For my photography assignment, I have to take photos of light.

This was the first one I took yesterday, I saw the halo and hoped it would turn out ok on my camera. I really like it.

Not for my assignment, but in a previous one about continuity of line. This one would have been a good one to use.
There's some good light in this one, so much that it blends into the background here.

The light in the yellow panels was shimmering from the reflection of the water, but here now it just looks a bit dirty.

I've been thinking about my myspace page being violated by people at work. I'm on the web, for my partner and for friends and for randoms,
not for people I'm not friends with,
who just have a look to have a laugh.
Are you sad or something?

If I changed it to just be about things like the photography
above, or about websites I rate highly,
and not about personal things then I'd be conforming,
for the sake of my paranoia about getting fired for not-so freedom of speech.

This will lift your spirits.

5 things in a lift in one week.
Its an amazing life I lead.

1.
I got into the lift at work the other day
and it stopped to pick up 3 men from
another floor.
One of them says Hello to me.
Then the other 2 say funny things
that weren't directed at me,
but at the awkwardness of the guy saying
hello to me, because it was just a reaction.
"Haven't seen you for a while."
"Long time no see."

"Do you come here often?"
as I step out of the lift I say with a sigh,
-Unfortunately.
They laughed.

2.
The lift doors open and there's a man in there.
He said "I went up to the wrong floor and then it went
passed my stop, oh well I guess I get to see a different
part of the building, your floor sounds like a fun place to visit."
The doors open and I say
-It really isn't, take a look.

There's a few crucifixes on the walls and some hostile
hicks working behind the doors.

3.
I got into the lift on the ground floor with 2 other men,
the lift went passed their floor, passed mine and then started
jumping, making noises, and generally worrying us.
The 2 men are ringing the bell and saying "Just open!",
"Are we going to be stuck in here?"
"What if it drops?"
We were stuck in the lift for under 2 minutes,
but it seems longer
when its not stopping on any floor.

Everything I said was ignored,
so much so I was more worried that I was invisible,
rather than stuck in a lift.

-Can you see me?

The doors finally open on level 7,
and I run out and follow the men
into the stairwell,
run down to level 4 and curse,
I'm locked in.
Because its commonsense
to lock the fire escape doors isn't it?
Luckily someone heard me knocking and let me in.

4.
I get in the lift with B and A from the student centre.
B says to me "Have you dyed your hair lately, Jett."
he said Jett quietly,
and exchanged looks with A.
-Not for a while.

I was seething,
the tossers must have looked at my myspace page.

5.
Got into the lift with 4 other people from my work,
D asks me why the new temp only lasted 2 days,
-Because she lives too far away.
"Oh, I was wondering if there was a problem with
the staff in the fees office.

Stupid fuck I know you don't like me.

If wishes were horses

the beggars would ride.

How many wishes do I make each day?

I wish I wasn't such a loser.

E said "If wishes were horses..."

- we'd be scared to make them.

She said "Oooh someone has an issue with horses".

E also had a dream about me,
she had a private jet

and I wanted to go to Rome,
so she dropped me off and then picked me up at the end
of my stay, she asked "Did you see this?" - No,
"Did you see that?" - No.

What the hell did I do in Rome?

I told her I had a dream I was shot,
by the guy from No country for old men.

I had time,
like they do in murder shows
to work out the angle of shot,
and looked up into the building,
and yell "You're a coward",
before dying.

There's a new girl at my work
who sits about 8 metres away
and I can hear her Darth Vader breathing.

M didn't hear from the job.

And now I want to live on a canal boat

somewhere in the UK.

A very nice moment.

Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
M will get the job,
and we'll make plans.

Tonight I had a job interview at a dentist
in the city.
It wasn't so much an interview as it was
a group information session.

Are you still interested in this job?
Sigh, yes, I guess so.

Meanwhile earlier in the day,
A calls me into his office
and asks me to shut the door.
I was accused of telling people
the student centre have no work.

The source?
"I don't know, its third-hand gossip."
To whom?
"I don't know, its third-hand gossip."

"Its gone up through management."
So should I be scared?

-Not guilty, end of discussion.

Come back to me when you've got something valid
to accuse me of.

It was so humiliating.
I didn't have a clue what they were on about.
But I'll certainly keep to myself from now on.

Steven Pinker says
"Anger protects a person whose niceness has left her
vulnerable to being cheated. When the exploitation
is discovered, the person classifies the offending act as unjust
and experiences indignation and a desire to respond with
moralistic aggression: punishing the cheater by severing the relationship
and sometimes by hurting him."

My god is he good.

Also on love,
"People who are sensible about love are incapable of it."
- Douglas Yates.

-I'm not going to be with anyone unless I get that feeling first.
"That's a pretty unrealistic feeling though isn't it?"

"Usually people do not want any suitor who wants them
too badly too early, because it shows that the suitor is desperate
(so they should wait for someone better),
and it shows that the suitor's ardor is too easily triggered
(hence too easily triggerable by someone else).
-Steven Pinker.

My god is he good.

I quoted this to M when we met.
Which is probably why we're still together.
Because each of us is entirely wary and weary of the
inevitable outcome falling in love brings,
so we will tread with caution for its entirety.
For one of us to break up the other,
would certainly pull us to the depth of misery.
We know this.
And how it feels.
We both have perhaps the possible
desire to do this, but we don't.

And what good would it do?
To begin again.
The point?
Well sometimes its necessary,
instead of
pathetically holding onto past loves,
like they're the only thing saving us
from the terrifying position of actually re-falling in love.
And sometimes its just nice to have a history with someone.

He mentioned a history between us last weekend.
It was a very nice moment.

Him and I are balancing on a see-saw.
Our emotional intelligence is apt enough to remember
what goes around comes around,
and the feelings that brings.
One sudden move from him and I plummet,
and vice-versa.
Somehow perhaps we love each other enough
not to inch off the edge.
But will we test it over and over.
Its expected.

You can either be desirable or a doormat.
Either to many.

And sometimes both at the same time.

But that to me smells of masochism.

I'm too tired to know if this makes any sense.

Don't forget your towel

Wow, three posts in one day.
Aren't you the lucky one?

M arrives in one hour and ten minutes.
I'm collecting him from the airport,
my eyes are stinging, I feel like
I've been looking at too many things today.

I was really depressed earlier today,
for about 3 hours, just utterly down,
tried to cry,
but I just can't do it.

I was even in that "Why the fuck are we alive,
what's the point to live, why don't we all just die,
and let it be the end of humanity" kind of mood.

I was also in a "Why do we all collect so much junk,
that we get so attached to, when in reality when you
throw it out, life's ok. It really is" kind of mood.

So my house is fairly tidy and I feel so happy for it.
The less I have the happier I am.

I can't wait for M to arrive,
I can't wait to be hugged and kissed,
and cuddled all night in bed.

I quite often freak out about not living alone
anymore, so much so that I think about things like
"Right, if I had to run away now what would I take?"
- Cat
- Handbag
- Passport

That's it.
Probably should chuck a change of clothes,
shoes, photographs, visual diaries, cd/dvd case,
laptop, shampoo, toothbrush and of course a towel
into my handbag.

Sometimes I feel a bit restricted writing here.
I don't always make sense,
but at least I know what I mean.

One hour.
I'd better have a shower.
I just wanted to let you know I'm ok,
that I haven't died of sadness.

Oh and earlier, I thought I saw a comet,
really fucking close,
it was all yellow with a tail.

Then I think the lights went out and I saw it was a plane,
flying very low,
I thought for a moment it had exploded and was coming down,
over my suburb.

I remember thinking that it was a good thing,
because it meant M's plane would be safe,
because two on the one night, that's absurd!

That's your theory? Beautifully fucking illustrated.

Nothing makes any sense to me today.

The sky is falling.

A letter from RMIT arrived today,
whilst I was walking up the drive to my house,
I thought it could either be one of two things.
a) A letter to say that I was unsuccessful in a job application.
or
b) A letter about my subject.

I opened it on the toilet,
its where I open all my mail.
As its one of the first things I do when I get home,
number one being greet the cat,
number two wash my hands,
number three sit on the toilet and open my mail.

It was tutor comments about my drawing subject.
Feedback being that I can contact her anytime I need to.
Self Portrait,
"This drawing is of great interest with all the parts ie dog
(its a cat), keys, self portrait in right background,
which seems to look at portrait in foreground."
On it goes, I don't entirely understand the "Translated English",
"So that a dog is a shape and an eye is a shape."

Panorama,
in good cop, bad cop format.
"Elements of this work are very powerful
(sculpture of person behind fence of church, tree trunks),
You could work on perspective to correct possible errors.
Your drawing is energetic and shows great integrity in your approach
and I look forward to your next project."

I was quite pleased with this feedback,
a) because its one of the first times I've been marked on my creativity,
in my adult life
and
b) because I realised I really dig feedback.
On anything.
I love being told that what I do is ok.

I love getting marks back.

God only knows why I got a 9/10 on a
"Introduce yourself on the forum",
for my photography course.
I'm quite sure I babbled about not much.

The woman who commented before mine on the forum,
blagged on about "living in the country, with her husband,
and 4 beautiful children, that keep her life busy, hardly having
much time for herself, but photography is one interest,
and has taken many photos of the children."
Entirely irrelevant.

I hope she got a 4.

I went out to see Modest Mouse last night,
thoroughly entertaining,
I danced, got told off, got my photograph taken,
got water and wine bought from random strangers,
who then exchanged phone numbers with me,
and gave the comment,
"You know, we'll invite you out from time to time,
every 6 months or so."
-Ok sounds great.
I lead a fairly busy life, but every six months or so,
I really need some randoms to hang out with.
And possibly buy me wine.

I got a text this morning asking if I'd gotten home safely.

I didn't reply, I am useless with making new friends.
I think I've mentioned previously, the Seinfeld episode,
where Seinfeld notes that its almost like needing to wear a sign,
"Taking new friends now", because by adulthood, you've got all the
friends you need to see you through your days.

So after drinking 4 wines,
and being the not-very-often-drunk-weakling I am,
I pass out on the bed,
get woken up 5 minutes later,
by Float On - Modest Mouse,
telling me to get the fuck up and go to work.
I put clothes on, feed the cat, and walk to the tram.
Wishing the journey would be a million times quicker,
the walk through Uni to take a free Age,
and onto McDonalds, where I ate like a king.
McDonalds is very under-rated by non hung-over-
generally-like-to-be-healthy-people.

I arrive at work 10 minutes late,
red eyed,
bed hair,
stinking,
and realised I have 8 hours of
having to stay awake whilst
desperately wanting sleep.

M told me the story of her boyfriend,
who's living in East Timor,
who talked at a reconciliation meeting,
the day before.
Whilst his talk was going on,
someone shouted out,
"How can we talk of reconciliation,
when someone has just been hit by a rock",
and was bleeding,
where a riot almost broke out,
until someone realised it was part of the roof of the building.

She also told me that in East Timor,
there is a prime minister,
who used to be the president,
and a president,
who used to be the prime minister.
"Confused?"
-Yes.

I finally arrive home,
set my alarm for one hour,
hop into bed,
turn the electric blanket on,
so to lull me to sleep in its cosy warmth,
and get one hour of the cat
wanting me awake.
Scratch at the door here,
ruffle a plastic bag there.
four items of clothing thrown at the cat later,
to try to shut up her cries for attention
and my alarm goes off.

I went to see a comedian tonight,
I know when you're on stage you can't see the
audience very well due to the lighting,
but I did wonder.

I hope I didn't look bored,
but it wasn't hilarious so much as
lovely just to be there.
Happy just sitting there,
going in and out of my own thoughts.

Ooohhh la la.

A said that he called Paris in the flowershop
cafe my name this morning and she said
"Oh you're her supervisor, she comes in all the time,
she's lovely,
she's really cute".
A of course being the bastard he is,
said "Well, I can't comment."

Because he's my supervisor and all.

I asked when our new temp would arrive,
and he said that they've ordered one.
-Is it a sexy boy?
"We can't request that, all we can request is
'Office Admin experience'."

Then strangely as he's not allowed to use risque comments,
he actually managed to say "I keep requesting a cute girl,
but it hasn't happened yet."
-Yeah, I might go work in the flower shop.

I have a job interview on Monday.
Lets hope I can blow this popsicle stand.

Nice.
http://miamy.biz/grenoblesaafelden/

The new girl said "You keep giving me these funny looks."
-Don't worry I give everyone funny looks, you aren't special.
"Oh aren't I special?"
-Blah.

I have crazy eyes.
Get used to it.