5 paper cranes

Another productive day at the office.

I have given up 3 things this year.
Biting my nails, meat and cigarettes.

I got more DVDs from my work's library.
Anatomy for beginners,
The day I died, (Near Death Experiences)
The Human mind,
The Greatest speeches of all time.

There is a theme here.
Its about knowing the basics of being,
so to know what it is to be doing.

I want to do stuff.
Pick me!

**************************************
I got into University today.
It wasn't the one I wanted.

**************************************

Seems like I jumped in a sinking ship.

My friend commissioned me to paint her this for her office wall.

Unfortunately its copied
and this one was half finished,
I can see 2 mistakes that I fixed already.

I take no credit for it. Its on Etsy.com

I wrote a comic about me painting this.
I might look into hosting a website for my comics.










This is my boyfriend.
He's scary.
He also told me I was his best friend
earlier in the week.

Its funny, because when I met him,
I was in a messy state.
We went on a date,
which was a drive to Maleny,
I had the intention of asking him to be my best friend.
Instead we kissed.

I went to the library at my work,
I read a few copies of the New Internationalist.
Which is great and I learnt that Carbon Offsets aren't good for the environment.
Basically you're sponsoring a tree, that holds the carbon.
Its going to hold the carbon until it dies and gives off the carbon anyway.
So really it should be called Carbon Postponements.

And got I a bunch of dvds.
Tonight I watched Surrealism in Art and Music
and The Human Body series.
The others were American,
so I have to see if my old lap-top wants to work.

But that's going to be my plan,
watch a lot of educational dvds over the summer break,
that and apply for jobs.

New Leadership

Woke up with a new hope,
ALP won the election.

Happy days.

I checked the education policy he'd put forward.
There was nothing in there about university funding.
Nothing about scrapping HECS or FEE-Help debts.
Nothing about free university.
Nothing about subsidising.
Nothing.
Fuck.

Why the hell do highschool students need a computer each?
Don't they do a lot of PE and Cooking?
Not to mention truancy.

That's the dumbest policy I've ever heard.

************************************************
Two funny things today:

1. Met some friends for a cup of tea at Retro,
they all had an election party the night before,
L said "When I woke up today I thought,
I've never been happier to be so hungover before".

2. M after seeing I was wearing 2 vests said
"Are you sure you didn't vote Liberals,
you're very conservative".

Hillarious.

Vote 1 - Kevin '07!!!

Today is a very exciting day.

I woke up early,
walked to the polling booth,
and voted for the Greens.
(Which goes to ALP).
They're coming third, which is a great sign,
hopefully they'll get some seats.

Its my first time voting for the senate,
as I'm a "New Australian".

According to the television,
ALP is ahead,
but too early to predict.

I must say that the ALP
are a good looking bunch.

8.08pm.

I went to the City Library today,

for a book making course.

I made this book (up),

and this book (down) was one I liked.

I first saw Artist's books at a university gallery in Brighton, UK.

Then in Brisbane and now in Melbourne.

Scaling a wall. A dream I read.

Ahem..

Good morning, my name is.....

Yesterday I was asked to scale a rock wall,
with my mentor.

A psychologist.

He set up the task,
brought my to this room,
with the wall.
The only thing he brought with him was
a thin blue rope.
We began by tying the rope to something that would
secure us,
in our decent.
He then tied the rope around himself and then onto me,
luckily, I tell you, we are quite close,
the extra tightness of the rope being around both of us,
was an added bonus, not only for the safety aspect.

We began our decent,
the wall had no foot holes,
it was extremely smooth.

There was nothing for us to do,
except swing,
and slowly decend,
by releasing the rope.

It was an arduous task.

When we reached the bottom,
not only was I excited, but he was too.
I don't believe for a moment that
this task was designed for only me to learn something.

We stood at the bottom looking up,
at where we had come from.
I felt the wall.

It was plaster board,
underneath the plaster was woodern pannels.

I suggested that he should have removed them,
as our job of absailing, would have been easier
with the wall stripped away,
revealing a variety of potential footholes
in the imperfect naturalness of the wall.

Upon reaching a conclusion
which means,
recording my experience,
and my emotions.
We left.

He presented the findings to the board,
and he asked me to write a piece base on my point of view.
Which also reached the Psychologist board desk,
and thus,
today I am here reading it to you.

He did ask me to change the beginning of the piece,
to make it in the form of a letter.

I took out the title.

And began:

-Dear Psychologists,
Good morning, My name is....

Yesterday I was asked to scale a rock wall,
with my mentor.

A psychologist.

When asked to perform a feat of bravery,
of such magnitude as to scale a wall,
with no foot holes.
With just a rope to hold onto and a psychologist.
I ask you who is the sane one?

Why,
it must be me because otherwise, you'd have no subject,
I'd have no home and none of you would be here today.

He set up the task.....



*******************************************************
I am writing and reading stories in my dreams.
This is the best one I have ever had in my entire life.
I am studying.
I have left it too late.
Its a smooth ride to failure.
I am on a caffeine high,
and averaging around 4-5 hours a night sleep.

*******************************************************
You don't need to understand it.
I just like being able to read in my dreams.
Its very cool.

Tit. le.

I have a new favourite artist.
Damien Hurst.
I went to the library on my lunch break,
and looked at random books.

Damien Hurst's
I want to spent the rest of my life everywhere,
with everyone,
one to one,
always,
forever,
now
was one of them.
It had lots of pictures of dead things,
and then the shark.

I like sharks.

I'm not sure what the title of his art
piece means.
The Physical Impossibility of Death in the Mind of Someone Living
Wait, I think I do.

ooohhh. ahhhh.

I have been studying solidly for 12 hours.

I am nowhere near where I wanted to be,
I guess I should have started this 2 weeks ago.

Nevertheless I've learned about something I'm feeling.

Its an Erikson theory on the internal working model.

If your bid for attention is met,
You feel worthy and loveable.
If your bid for attention is ignored,
You feel ashamed, loathed and unworthy.

The human condition is very interesting.

I'd like to have enough money to be a full time student.

M - You shouldn't read this blog at work,
your boss might click back through the screens,
read this and discover that you're moving to Melbourne.


Two reasons I'm boycotting the cafe downstairs from my work.
1. "Do you want sugar?" every bloody time.
- LOOK ITS VERY FUCKING SIMPLE, SMALL-FLAT-WHITE-TAKE-AWAY.
2. I bought a potato cake and asked for salt,
it was the first time I'd bought one.
The lady said "We know how you like it".

Target

This morning in my dream
I did the Target Anagram.
The word was IMAGINARY.

Sometimes I read,
or write poetry.
Now I'm doing word puzzles.

Maybe its a gift,
like being ambidexterous.

Who do I see about that?

I liked seeing you.

Aren't they just brilliant?
I was a little bit against buying
modern day converse designs.
But I've been looking at these
for a while.
When I want something for a while,
it means that I really do want it.
And I'm not just being a Gen Y,
wanting it now
and getting it now.
Because credit card bills are expensive.
Being Gen Y isn't what its cracked up to be.

Just like the xylophone I'm bidding on
on ebay.
I've wanted one for many years.

This one comes in a carry case,
and has the notes engraved onto the
um,
things that you hit.
I have to wait 7 days.

My lover told me to buy The Australian
today, I told him about my converse,
and he told me about the story in the paper about
beautiful French women, and how the clothes from the
30's are still fashionable today.
I told him that every French woman had a pair of converse.

So anyway, I went for a walk,
and bought the paper.

I told him that if he wanted to see beautiful,
he should buy The Age and look at the article
about Charlotte Gainsbourgh.

He said if he wanted to see beautiful,
he'd just look at the pictures of me on his phone.

This arranged relationship is strange.
We'll be together soon,
that's the plan.
And we'll be very happy,
because its what we've both
wanted for quite a while.

But somehow,
never got there.

Or perhaps, got there,
knocked on the door,
then ran off down the street,
and hid behind a car.

Who knows.

I decided to change the picture
on my profile.
I look different everyday.

My sister visted me yesterday,
and stayed over the night.
I enjoyed seeing her,
and today I drove her back to the RAAF base.
She texted me and said
"I liked seeing you".

Like mine, her eyes change colour,
and I think she also runs like me.
I think its great.
And a little bit weird.

Henna

4:40pm 5/11/07
M comes around and whispers to
everyone except me to go into the bosses office.
-If you want to talk about me, you could
have just told me to leave?
"You have to come too".

We go into the bosses room.

"Someone, I don't know who it was,
asked K (Big Boss) for work, whilst I was
away, now, this is very wrong as it looks like
we haven't got enough work and we might loose staff
members, I know we have been quiet, if you haven't got
work to do, then you just need to ask and we'll find some".

Everyone looks uncomfortable,
the boss, looking smug, pretending she's good cop.
When we all know she's just a fucking bitch.

- It was me, you were both away,
I was sick of reading procedures.

Jesus.

What kind of workplace tells you off
for asking for work?

"Also I've noticed a bit of noise coming
from you, so if I walk past, and say Shhh,
you just keep the noise down a bit".

I want to be noisy and scream:
-I wish an elephant had killed you in Thailand!
But who'd pay my rent?

Today I took my visual diaries in to show people,
most people didn't have time,
J had a look and told me I was really talented,
and I should persue something creative.
I really need people like him around me.

He also said "Get yourself set up here,
save a bit of money, but keep it in the back of
your mind, then start searching for what you want to do".

He told me he had depression a few years ago.

I didn't really like him at first,
but now I think he's more like me than
I like to admit to.

I hate the arses at work that want to give him
2 leaving parties.

-Two?
"One for him, and one for us after he's gone, to celebrate".

I walked away from this conversation and
out onto the street.
I have no idea who these people are.

Another odd situation,
at art class I was talking about
living alone to M, who agreed with
how great it was, how its so much easier,
but also bad too,
how I'd just booked a trip back to Brisbane
for Christmas, but I'm not going to tell anyone
I'm going (aside from family),
because, well its just easier not to,
and because I don't want to be guilted into
seeing people.

M said "You sound so much like me,
its unbelieveable".
(-Do I? What did I just say?
Will I say it tomorrow?)

You'd think after spending so much
time alone I'd know myself a little bit better.

After work today,
I went along with M to a charity
function at Richmond,
I was promised Turkish Delight & Henna painting.
Inside the town hall
was a few refugees
who'd made handcrafted bits of rubbish,
knitted booties, jumpers, shawls,
crochetted table runners, doilies,
beaded jewellery.
It was all a little uncomfortable,
I wasn't going to buy things I'd
only put in the charity bin outside.

I had Turkish Delight, which was brilliant
and we had our hands painted... see.

Mine is on the right,
and I smudged it getting my mirror
out of my bag to see if I had
Turkish Delight on my face.
Never mind.

Whilst I was outside this little
boy followed me,
I was going down the stairs so I helped him,
as I didn't want him to fall,
his mum came out and told him in Turkish to
go back in side.
She probably also said "She's a stranger".
Anyway he kept following me, so I smiled sympathetically
at his mum, you know the
'ah what a funny kid, not listening' look.
She was expressionless.
I nearly said -Put your kid on a fucking lead then.

Then this other Turkish woman put on a jingly belly dancing
belt thing, and got up on stage whilst her daughter,
played some Turkish hits on her Yamaha keyboard.
It was very sad.
I can do a better Beyonce bum wiggle than her,
but alas there was no alcohol,
only Baklava, and other countries' assorted foods.

I took my cue by the door,
when the Vietnamese lady got up and
sang a couple of tragic numbers.
Jesus, I don't care if they're poor.
They're a talentless bunch of weirdos.

M and her mother who's a nun,
who I found wouldn't talk to me much,
left also.

I was stranded in Richmond.
I walked to the tram stop,
and wondered if my smudgy hennad hand
and the 'delight was worth it.

By the way, I know lots of people
who's name begins with M,
so this probably doesn't make sense.
The first was my team leader.
The second was my newest friend,
who comes to art class and
the third is a work colleague.

P.S For Christmas I want
a drum kit and a xylophone.
(Not the crocodile shaped one from K-Mart).

Phantom musical talent.

My mum once told me about
phantom pains,
she used to be a nurse.

I have phantom musical talents.

Sometimes I think,
oh I'll just play that on my piano.
or
that'd be a nice tune to play on guitar.

I have no musical instruments.

But when I was at my sisters,
I learned the keyboard bit to
I am sound, by Dandy Warhols,
just from listening to it.

I wish my mum had encouraged me.

I have phantom talents.
Damn it.

Talents

Yesterday at work,
Halloween,
L was supposed to bring in her tiara.
She couldn't find it,
so I made her one out of paper.
And a wand.

I was told I was in the wrong business.
Yes. I'm sure I could be rich by now,
making tiaras out of paper.

Today M wanted a fascinator to wear at the races,
it had to be made out of the form guide.
I went to the cheap jewellery shop on Smith Street,
and bought a necklace that had a black feather,
and a clip.

I made a fucking beautiful fascinator,
everyone was impressed.
Or at least I thought so.
Sometimes after I do something like this,
I leave the room,
so as to give them an opportunity to
talk about me behind my back.

G asked if I'd always been creative,
and asked what else I did.
Not a damn lot actually.

This afternoon I said that I was giving
$5 hand massages.
I had 2 clients.
They both loved it,
but I didn't get any money.

I announced that I was very creative,
and they all agreed.
I said we should only employ people
that were talented,
we could fire the rest.

Suckful bitch said
General staff can fire other staff?
- yes.
- You're first.
She told us about her trip overseas,
and something awful that women do,
with pingpong balls and live animals.
She was showing off.
I had this look on my face,
that I thought showed that I thought
she was a twat.
And she laughed and said
I've totally disgusted you haven't I?
-That'll do. Yes.