Explanations by the wayside

I constantly feel that things are left unsaid,
unexplained, and I usually go to great lengths
to correct myself, to the point of needing the
last word in most cases.

When I said
"M keeps booking things [The Harvest Festival]
months ahead", even though I'd asked him to.
I think the person I was talking to [L]
mistook this for the fact that M keeps booking things ahead for me.
Simple deduction from a simple statement, right?

What I really meant was
I have things to do in the future,
which puts off my desire to end my life.

It'll have to be after November now.

And I'm sure that in November,
I'll have more things booked for December
and maybe even 2012.
So I guess I'll die another day?

I think I feel this way when I'm tired.
I also think, that there's only so many things
that need explaining.
Me wanting to die,
isn't one of them.

L has left work.
I enjoyed having him here,
and he did look rather lovely yesterday.
He wore a new shirt just for me,
though I'm not sure
"yes, I thought of you when I put it on",
means the same thing as I'm thinking.

But now,
when he emailed me
today,
I don't know if I don't want to reply,
don't have to reply
or
just that I'm playing the
"he can't miss me, if I don't go away"
game.

And because I don't know.
I'm not going to reply.
Confused what?