A ghost in the kitchen.

Working with an ex lover is tricky.
Especially when that person has said
"I don't want to see you any more, please leave me alone".

So, walking into the kitchen,
he's there.

You can't acknowledge him.
He doesn't exist.

Even though you look like an idiot
faffing around,
pretending everything's cool man,
yeah rejection, it's fine,
he never liked me anyway.

Besides you'd look pretty silly talking to a ghost,
and why would you want to
when there's nothing left unsaid.

I've also never heard a man yawn so arrogantly in my life.

Destroy, build, destroy.

Much like Andrew W K's kids tv show Destroy, Build, Destroy,
I've yet again destroyed a major portion of my life.
Time to build.

Odd T broke up with me as a friend last night.
One of the few I had I this town.

"Oh look the world is against you yet again."

It's not the world,
I have complaints as much as the next person,
It's just one person.

"I don't believe anything you say",

It's not that I lied,
I lie and embellish stories as much as the next person,
I told the truth about how I felt at the time.

Ah well, what can you do?

Build.

I've done that plenty of times, and
sometimes you have to stay in control,
because there's only you to pay the bills.

Try, Fail, Try.

My new life starts one day before,
the 3rd anniversary of the Fukashima earthquake and nuclear disaster.
It was also the day Dollface and I started our 5 year "one line a day" diaries.

Watched an excellent documentary on Jewish religion last night,
true faith must surely come from having kept the faith
despite being moved along so many times.

I feel like I'm being moved along again,
doesn't help that I don't have the money to move again,
nor a clue of where to go.

I have to keep telling myself
this won't matter soon.
Because it won't.

I have many good things coming up.

I'm glad..

Some days.

Some days, you just want to listen to songs over and over.

I Am The Antichrist To You

My new favourite song.


http://www.27bslash6.com/timesheets.html

My new favourite website.

Upon reading it, I realised I don't use enough sarcasm in my life.

So today I did a trial run:

(Not quite there, but close).

P: The student below has a citizenship category of 5, however it needs to be 4.

Me: How do you know that?
I’m reluctant to change it

because of the international address.

P: A emailed as she met with him to discuss.

I'll ask her to update her address too!

Me: Do you believe everything A says?

Ok I'll change it.

P: No - his last name is Devine though...

Me: True, he probably finds a lot of water.

P: Nice one. :)

Reflection and hindsight - I could have gone on the religious route.

(I am ever evaluating myself).

Me: True, godliness; we should probably follow what he says.

Next time... 

Tidy with the Antichrist song and religion.  

I should have probably had food instead of wine for lunch.

Sparkle Coincidence!

Dollface told me about her coincidence

on the weekend

of finding a single playing card

on the street

on the same path

to her friend's house

exactly a year apart.

And then looking up the cartomancy meaning,

because obvs it must be a message from the universe.

Experiencing coincidence and having faith enough to

discern it as a meaning sent from the universe just for you,

can only be a form of delusional insanity.

Maybe, maybe not.

What's it to you?

Coincidences that are boring don't count,

it's gotta have that *ooohh it's a coincidence!* sparkle
and rarely means anything other than that.

Mine:

Yesterday:
#1 Lunch with M, 

song on the radio is Fleetwood Mac's Little Lies.

"Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies", 

it gets stuck in my head, 

I get home and the next chapter in my book is called "Sweet little lies".

*Sparkle Coincidence*

[#1.1 - I also told M that I liked Mac Demarco 

which was playing in a shop. 

Mac Demarco - Fleetwood Mac.] 

*Boring Coincidence*

#2 Then the second next chapter in my book,is 

"Live each day as if it were your last - but only on Sundays".

was about Psychologist Ellen Langer manipulation technique, "because", 

which was the exact same research example T told me about a couple of weeks ago

in a different book on manipulation he was reading:

Queue at the photocopier:

"May I use the Xerox machine because I'm in a rush?"

*Sparkle Coincidence*

.

I tried it on him after he'd told me about the technique

"Do you want to come over later,

because I want sex".  

I can't remember if it worked or not.

[#2.1 Yesterday day was Sunday and yes I lived it as though it were my last, 

because I do not know when I will die, 

so everyday potentially could be my last, 

did I make more of an effort? 

No.  

I'd die sooner if I lived like everyday was my last 

due to exertion, therefore inertia is the key to a long life.

Thus that line, like in my book, is proved bullshit]  

*Boring Coincidence*

Today:
#3 I buy geometric patterned fabric 

to make a top from.  

I type "batwing top pattern" into Google, 

first picture is Dollface, 

styling her home made batwing top. 

*Sparkle Coincidence*

I should end it there, because it started with her and ended with her.

Neat and tidy.  

Full circle.

Look around you, they're everywhere, they just need someone to recognise them and ascribe meaning to get that *Sparkle Coincidence!* feeling.

Reminds me of the lovely line by Alain de Botton:
"Perhaps it is true that we do not really exist until there is someone there to see us existing, we cannot properly speak until there is someone who can understand what we are saying, in essence, we are not wholly alive until we are loved."

You suddenly complete me.

Hysteric, my song of the day on repeat.
This is one of my favourite albums.

Talking with T last night, he told me that he'd read about writing,
and that doing 20 minutes of writing per day on any topic is a good 
idea of getting [back] into the swing of it.
I hope he gets back on the swing too.

Here's my 20 minutes.

I loved this blog so much.
I haven't written in over a year.
because
I fell in love.
A terrible affliction.
I feel like I might have died a little last year.
It took a year off my life, 
in the present 
not at the end, 
like cigarettes.

I'm hungover.
I'm typing typos.
It's way past the 20 minute mark.

I have not idea why, but a boy called J 
who I had a brief thing with 5 years ago,
had suddenly returned to my thoughts this week.
His father was teaching the Enneagram.
I did the test again last night.
After 5 years, I'm still a 4 - The Individualist.
The romantic.
It surprised me, because I feel like I've changed.

I just found the post from the day before I met his father.
I love having a written history.


Try...
free enneagram test

I also found this which made me smile:
from 

Friday, 12 September 2008

And I've planned my funeral.

Some little girls plan their wedding.

Meh, I'm more likely to die.

Pros and Cons of studying

I am struggling deeply. 
I have 4 subjects left to complete my degree.
But I hate every second of it.

I grab a piece of paper, and write "Pros and Cons of Completing my course" 

Pro 
* Have a degree 
* Be able to do postgraduate study (Do I even want to? What would I study?)
* Be slightly more employable - in a smug way (not in an employable way)
* Have satisfaction of 10 years of study culminating  in a useless piece of paper
* I like getting grades

Cons
* I hate it
* I won't be able to say "I have a degree, in a smug way"


And then I thought, hang on have I subconsciously made a decision, Freud would be smug.
Why didn't I title my scrap of paper...

"Pros and Cons of Quitting my course"?

So....

Pros and Cons of Quitting my course.

Pros
* Freedom
* Life's too short
* I'll always have a shitty job, a Bachelor of Fine Arts, isn't going to make me more employable
* Have no more guilt - Of watching Dexter instead of studying
* Be able to study topics I want to study - Like that time I was into Aerospace Engineering (?!)
* Have more money in my pay - instead of paying off my debt at 4.5% per pay.
* I will be able to travel 

Cons
* I won't be able to do postgrad (I can't afford to do postgrad anyway)
* I won't have Bugger All Fuck All after my name.. BA.FA. (I can have Audience Member instead)

So to be an art school drop out, (Curtin University/Open University is hardly art-school), will it change my life?
At job interviews will I be asked "Why didn't you complete your course?" Will I be able to answer confidently that "I didn't feel that it was worth completing", or "Life was increasingly becoming too short, I had no time to study topics I was interested in, I was too stressed all the time, finishing wasn't going to make me an artist, more creative or more learned", if I want to make money from my art, I just need an Etsy website and a proper blog, do it the indie way, not the academic way.

I will finish my 4th last subject (because I have paid for it).
And then QUIT.

Not quite a sigh of relief, I still have 7 weeks of term left.

Caine's Arcade

I donated $10 to Caine's scholarship fund, a) because he's adorable b) because he's talented c) because he doesn't give up and d) because when I was about 9 I had a circus in my backyard where I had two attractions - 1. you could hula-hoop and 2. you could twirl a coloured umbrella. Not quite so inventive, but still.. Awesomesauce.

You were handsome - You were pretty

Die Toten Hosen

Ahhh Punk Rock mix tapes...
Wish I didn't throw them out now.


M.I.A. - Born Free
Wow, this is amazing.

The more we ostracise,
highlight and humiliate
the more likely this will become true.

The new colour prejudice?
How sad.

When you start to lose interest in things.

.