Thinking what I think they're thinking.

I didn't sleep last night.

At 4am, I heard some moaning coming from upstairs,
that and "Breathe", "Take deep breaths".
I thought,
well the man upstairs is alone, maybe he's gay?

At 4.20 I get up as I hear people on the stairs.
I look out of the peep hole in the door and see medics,
and my neighbour struggling down stairs,
the medic said "Maybe you've slipped a disk
when you sneezed".
A bed was wheeled,
and he got on.

I went back to bed.
To think.

I'm home from work now and
he's upstairs, home from the hospital.
With heavy painkillers.
I can tell because I can hear him snoring.

At work today I looked up
"Overcoming depression",
I did the Ivan Golding survey for depression.

I scored 68.

The results;
55 and above, is "Severe Depression".

My desk neighbour did the quiz too,
and she scored 55.
She said that it didn't mean anything.

Phew.

Then I looked up Miranda July.
I'm ready to forgive her.
Because she's a lot like me than I wanted her to be.
To enter her website,
http://mirandajuly.com/
you have to enter a secret password.

It says
"You know the password,
just clear your mind and look within,
it will probably be the first word you think of".
I type BELIEVE
and am let in.
There was no password last time I looked at her site.

I am looking at doing one of the assignments.
I am thinking of the
"Make an encouraging banner"
On her
http://learningtoloveyoumore.com/
website.

I am thinking of
"You are a smart, personable woman,
its only a matter of time before you get something you want".

Which is what my friend J wrote to me.
I love my friends knowing what to tell me.

When I was on the Overcoming depression website,
I learnt that you shouldn't encourage a depressive.

If that depressive can't get motivated to get out of bed,
don't offer to do their house work.
This is encouraging them to stay depressed.

What about when that depressive,
is lonely and wants to be held?

Ah well. Its not going to happen anyway.

The desk calendar quote today was
"Pessimists look left and right,
before crossing a one way street".

Its true. I do.
You never know what loser is driving the wrong way.
I know, my ex-boyfriend got booked for making this mistake.
(My ex-boyfriend is not a loser).
********************************************
I've got to stop hiding from people
who probably aren't thinking what I think they're thinking.