Sick

I have been sick for 21 days.

I have come to accept that I will never

know what it is like to wake up and not

feel like I'm dying.

And one day.

It will be true.

And I've planned my funeral.

Some little girls plan their wedding.

Meh, I'm more likely to die.

Enter... people...

Perfect Day – Lou Reed.
Parents, sisters, B and M say a small speech, something nice about me…
L will read my “eulogy (panégyrique) personnel”

in beat poet style in her American accent.
L will then sit down and my casket will be lowered.

Where do you go to (my lovely) – Peter Sarstedt. (rpt…)
Exit… people…

So this M moving here business is so hard.

I was telling B last night, that I didn't know whether to

book flights, book "a ticket" or "tickets" to Martha Wainwright...

It's not just about me anymore.

I wonder if

...like when you've broken up with someone,

and you're devistated and lose weight and can't concentrate etc...

whether, I'll be like that when my lover lives with me.

Like mourning the loss of my single-life?

Probably.

I'm weird like that.

I just found this post in my saved items.
I'm not sure who the L who will read my eulogy is.

Are you lonesome tonight?

I slept in today,
so I called in Sick.

My back has been killing me all day
and I'm about to take a billion pain killers
just so it can go the fuck away.
OUCH.

I think I'm a bit lonely,
bored,
but not bored?
Depressed?
Who knows.
I'm reading education and art history
and its interesting.
I'm also reading Betraying Hitler,
and a manifesto that has no title and no author.

Still though
company and distractions,
would be pretty awesome right now.

Other than Skype, I mean!

(Read: Physical).

Was it good?

Text from Nizhey.

"Hi. It's me. Nizhla."

- Hello. Are you super powered now?

"How did you know?"

-Because I felt you try to get inside my head..

ppst! Its me Nizhla, kill everyone in the room.

No! No! Leave me alone, help, get out!

I cast you out evil boy!

Hello? Hello?

Oh he's gone.

Was it good?

I think I've lost my

Just found this in my saved posts.

Looking forward to death.

My boyfriend makes teeth, clever hey?
Do you want him to work for you?

Poor Dollface, just when her world was looking like it was magical...
It broke.

She emailed me and said
"And I saw Vic today, and he is thinking of giving up vegetarianism, because 'the world is evil anyway'.
I feel like hope is being abandoned all around me." and "I don't know about this turning 28 business. I feel like it comes with expectations that I can't live up to."

I replied with
1. Vic is an idiot.
The world is evil because of humans,
not because of animals.
2. Getting older is fantastic,
we're
a) closer to death (yay),
b) wiser (yay).
Turning 28 expects nothing of you..
unless you're comparing yourself to other 28 year olds.


She replied with
"we're a) closer to death (yay),
I'm listening to Looking forward to death by Dead Kennedys."


We're going for a drive to the Grampians for our birthday.
I can't wait.




On Saturday night, we went to Joes Shoe Store on High Street in Northcote and got very drunk. Dollface met a boy from New York, we went back to his house to "look at art".

I guess he wasn't lying.

He made me a drink of Pimm's

and said "Its a very British drink, sorry I haven't got any cucumber slices."

I was content taking photos.

This is an old till.

Not sure what this is.

The open book near the table, is where I sat.

After some time I went to find Dollface, she was questioning/criticising the boy about drawing Nike shoes in his athlete charcoal picture. I was trying to find my cigarette lighter and pulled out a toy soldier that I stole, and said "Uh, I was going to steal this, I liked it. Don't worry, I wont steal anything."

I whispered to Dollface "What are you doing?"

She pointed at her to stay

and for me to go.

I left and stole the comic book.

*******************************************

I posted it back today, because I felt guilty.

Such Great Heights

Went on a date to the Eureka Skydeck with J.
Very scary.
Took a while to get used to it.

J told me to sit next to him near the window,
but I sent a little kid there instead.
He was a bit confused.
"Why do I have to sit next to him?"
-Because I'm afraid.
"Why?"
-Don't ask questions, just sit there.

The boy said it was his fourth time there,
he loved it.

I might love it next time.

Then we had horrible Vietnamese,
which was possible a bit of Murphy's Law,
as we decided to go in because it was packed,
this many people? It must be good.
It wasn't.
Then we went to Hells Kitchen.
Then we went home.
Except my tram was 16 minutes away.

^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*
Almost finished reading The Stuff of Thought
by Steven Pinker.

He's quite a funny for a Harvard Psych professor,
I like his stuff on metaphors,
which he included some metaphors that
apparently school students wrote such as
"From the attic came an unearthly howl.
The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality,
like when you're on vacation in another city
and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7pm instead of 7.30."

And this he wrote on being reminded (of metaphor),
"As I was thinking bout this kind of reminding,
I was even reminded of a reminding.
In college, a friend and I once sat through a painful
performance by a singer with laryngitis.
When she returned from intermission and began
the first song of the set, her voice was passably clear.
My friend whispered, 'When you put the cap back on a dried-out felt pen,
it writes again,
but not for long.'"

Or new word inventions for things
that don't have a word.
eg:
Sconser n. A person who looks around whilst talking
to you to see if there's anyone more interesting about.
and
Furbling v. Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an
airport or bank even when you're the only person in line.

Its a very good book.
When I went back to the optometrist to collect
my glasses, the girl said
"I got that book"
her colleague said
"Yeah she went straight out to the bookshop and got it."
She told me about The man who mistook his wife for a hat
by Oliver Sacks.
On the way home that day someone was reading it on the tram.

Email today to Dollface:
-What birthday gifties do you want?

"The ability to sleep through the night
the ability to digest a meal
no more stinging feeling in my stomach
no more lump in my back
no more hole in my chest

sorry, you caught me at a bad moment,
even though I've been good for 2 days.
I really don't even want a birthday.
Can I just celebrate yours?"

I replied with
-So that's 2 presents for me then.

Tomorrow I'm meeting J and his father
for lunch.
His Dad is going to work out my personality
from the enneagram thing.
J thinks I'm a 4 - The Romantic.
Who knows.
We have 2 hours to find out.

And I might disagree with the decision.

Exits are located, here, here and here.

Chocolate Cake Slice.

I apologise in advance for letting you in.

Its not worth your time.

Exits are marked with an X.

Crossing the Rubicon.

I met Dollface in town, outside the army disposal.
I walked straight passed her,
obviously well camouflaged.

I told her she was wearing ugly lipstick.

We caught the 57 to North Melbourne,
for what I thought was breakfast,
but it was 2pm.
This holiday-mode-thinking is quite something else.

She pulled the pink lipstick out of her bag,
threw it in the bin
and said "I trust your judgement."

Whilst we were at the cafe
she told me about some things
that her new lover had said,
about being afraid to commit,
to which I said "We think the same things!"
To which she said "Great, put my two favourite
people in a room together and watch the craziness unfold."

Ahh, I like being her favourite person.

Then we checked out Threadden,
as she wants to do a pattern making course;
then did a practice run to the Czech club
for the Vardos tomorrow night.

Then went to a cute shop,
where she bought me an early birthday present
two Blossom & Bill plates,
http://isak.co.uk/products.php?offset=3&cat_id=3
Blossom stirred the sauce and sugared the potatoes
whilst Bill laid the table.
The candlelight flickered
and outside the slowly falling snow kept on falling.
"I hope we will get snowed in" they both secretly thought.

I hope I get snowed in with beardy boy, too someday.

Then we walked to the State Library,
because we couldn't remember what the Microfische
machines were called
and being girly swots we just had to find out.

On the way we also needed to know what Rubicon meant,
so I looked it up on phone google.
answers.com gave:
“Crossing the Rubicon” is a general expression
for taking a dangerous, decisive, and irreversible step."
Its also a river in Italy.

Phone google is our newest toy,
at Loop the other night we needed to know
what film Zipadee doo da was from.
As we'd seen a tipping jar in a cafe with
Tipadee Doo Jar written on it.

I remembered what Microfische was on the way, so I won.

We visited the dome part of the library,
where I successfully scored a dome date with J,
as he said he went but couldn't find it.


Then toasted sandwiches at Hudsons,
then home.

Meanwhile, later that night...

Whilst attempting to make a cup of tea
and scrambled eggs,
I realised that I have no milk.
So I substituted wine for tea
and hard-boiled eggs for scrambled eggs.
Beaming with pride of my quick thinking,
I deduced that I'd probably
survive quite well in the woods.

Heads or Tails = Meh or Blah

Day 5 of being unemployed.

Woke up,
what to do?
sent J a message re lunch date.

Couldn't find my pills,
got mad,
kicked a bag.

Job called to say they
were getting impatient with
not getting through to my old boss for a reference.

Gave her my ex-bosses mobile number,
cross fingers,
cursed.

Returned The Dharma Bums to the library.

J texts:
So where do you wanna meet?
Elation in my heart!

Met J.
Job calls,
its offered to me.

Ordered 2 ravioli dishes,
2 pots of tea,
took care of the bill.

Left feeling strangely disappointed.
I suppose its because an hour goes so fast,
and I needed to entertain myself for the rest of the day.

Celebrated getting a new job with
getting new clothes,
new shoes,
new cds,
new lenses for my glasses.

The optometrist notices my Steven Pinker
book in my bag,
She needed to know everything,
needed to know all about me.
Said my hair was a lovely colour.
Charged me $212.

Way home,
another call,
another job.

Day 5 of being unemployed.
Knowing that there'll only be 12 days...

Fuckedness.

Meh.

A fair amount of tossing coins as decision makers - discussions this week.

Dollface email's me with:

J
I've come to realise that of all the planning,
organising, thinking etc we do
to make decisions about the future of our lives,
we could just as easily toss a coin
and end up with the same outcome.
So the moral of the story is:
just do whatever the hell you want,
when you want,
and you will neither be better nor worse off.
B

Don't toss coins, just do what feels good.

Which job to take?
Heads or Tails?
Meh or Blah?

Email to J:
Maybe try to toss a coin.
Heads you work it out and stay, be in love, love and be loved.
Tails you walk away.

Go with your gut feeling when it lands.

It didn't help him.

My interpretations of his emotions are also quite possibly shite.
For example:

Strength comes from making decisions,
anxiety comes from putting them off
and fragility comes from the hands that hold you.

You aren't ever going to be alone.

So the hell with tossing coins.
The hell with thinking.

Where is the life that I recognise?

Day 4 of being unemployed.
I went to the libray,
borrowed Steven Pinker - The stuff of thought,
and
Gregorian pop chants.
Steven Pinker is brilliant.
Gregorian pop chants are brilliant.

Ordinary World - Duran Duran
Join me - H.I.M
Sacrifice - Elton John
Fields of Gold - Sting
Blasphemous Rumours - Depeche Mode

Maybe its because I'm reading The Dharma Bums,
Maybe its because I quit my job,
Maybe its because I'm in love with all the people I love,
Maybe its because I hiked in the forest,
Maybe its because I'm insane,
but I'm truely digging my life right now.

I texted Nizhey today to say;
I really dig who you are.

He replied and said he's going to silence camp at Pomona.
Fuck.
I wish I was going with him.

In anycase Nizhey is coming to visit me soon,
I told Dollface on our hike that I missed him
and she said lets chip in and fly him down here!
Rock on.

Don't worry,
there'll be no sex,
with my ex.

By my calculations, I have enough money for 2 months' rent.
Unless I sell my car, then I'll have enough for 4 months' rent.
Unless I sell my furniture, then I'll have enough for 5 months' rent.

Fuck yeah.
I'm meditating to my Gregorian Chants,
(the real Benedictine Monks - also)
reading,
drinking Russian Caravan tea,
going for long walks,
dancing in the candle light.

I'm going to paint tomorrow.
Or maybe tonight.

I can't seem to stay awake,
but then I can't sleep.
Just in a state of floating.

Float on...
Join me.

hehe I said dandedongs

Saturday texts.
Dollface: I have a massive craving for the mountains.
U wanna climb a dandenong tomorrow?
hellojett: YES, life gets better!
Sunday texts.
Dollface: Not sure about mtns, rain & wind predicted.
hellojett: Its only weather.
Dollface:Yeah what the hell. I'll pick you up in an hour.
hellojett: I'm taking a flask of tea.
Dollface: Rock.
Meanwhile, packing nail varnish, tea, umbrella, 2 pairs of gloves, 2 cameras..
Waiting, waiting....

Dollface: Sorry, tried to do my tax. Running late. Leaving in 10.

Road trip is fun, we listen to awesome music,
chat about boys,
giggle and get excited.

We arrive in the country,
I need cigarettes.
We stop in the village
and I get cigarettes
and sour gekko sweets.

Dollface finds a fudge shop,
orders 2 lots...
Shop Assistant to me: - Do you want any?
Me: Oh, I didn't see the fudge shop, I already got sweets.

Ok now, where are the walking tracks?
Dollface suggests there should be a big sign that says
"Worlds Greatest Walking Track HERE!"
There isn't one, but I find one on the map,
that we drive to easily.

Dollface somewhere in the Dandenongs.
Me somewhere in the Dandenongs.

10 minutes into our hike,

we both need to wee.

Weeing in the forest is kinda cool.

Maybe I'm seeing things, but there appears to be some kind of mystical doorway at the end of the bridge. Shame I didn't try to go through it.
I hugged some lovely trees, told them they were good, and asked them to always be there.

Dollface was scared to get in. Figuring that she'd disturb some bats.

There was no bats in the tree.

I pretend I didn't fit.
Mystical aged worty tree. Dollface turned around and said "Man, you're so cool, smoking on the hike."

a) as if I need encouragement,

b) i'm an experienced walker and smoker.

she needed to take my picture.

Rad, we walk and walk and walk, through muddy muddy mud.
I hug more trees, drink tea, take photos, smoke.
We get back to the car and listen to I can climb mountains by Hell is for heroes.
Fuck yeah, what a wonderful life I have.

This is a delicate thing.

I watched High Fidelity again.
Its a great film.
Rob: Now, the making of a good compilation tape is a very subtle art.
Many do's and don'ts.
First of all you're using someone else's poetry to express how you feel.
This is a delicate thing.

I am so fucking happy.
My last day at work went ok.
Helped G, with emails, fucked about,
gave presents to the people that matter.
J got my Jade plant,
E got my dictionary,
L got a post-it note pad with my name around the edges,
L got my Kimberly Clark sanitiser wipes,
B got my pedometer,
and well G,
she got my job.
I went to a job interview, that went well.
So okay in fact that they gave me feedback
in the interview,
asked about my middle name,
asked why I left school and had a blank between 1997
and 2000...
I wasn't sure that working as a cashier,
and a factory assistant was worth printing...

I didn't read the position description,
I just applied.
I had no idea what job I was being questioned about.
What attracted you to the job?
What skills do you have that would suit this role?
Have you got a continuing desire to be in this role?
Slowly words such as media, presentations, updating websites
came up.
I'm still not sure what the job is.
Media Assistant?
I can do that.
Hell yes.

Wonder if someone will ask about this blank space
in time one day.

I lived. Will be my answer.

My boss gave a nice speech
at morning tea.
That I was late to, as I was reinstating my last student into her course...
He said that I had a great rapport with my students and fellow staff members,
so much so, that I will be sorely missed.

Then it was my turn,
"It really has been good working here,
but when all your friends that you made,
start to leave and you're left with.. well.. you know,
and then you realise that its time to go too."

I'M JOKING.

Fuck man I say the dumbest things.

So that's the story,
now I'm free,
no more work.

Completely insane, considering that mostly on occasion I'm

to quote Jack Kerouac in The Dharma Bums;

'poor
and mostly poor
and truely poor.'

So after work drinks
lasted all of 2 drinks,
the people who would have carried the show,
left early,
or weren't there,
or didn't show up.

Today I'm going to watch L and L's play/musical called Enough.
L has the lead role, and the other L sits in the front row
and does her part.
L sings and rides a BMX.
I'm taking Dollface and I'm going to sit next to L.
Looking forward to it.
http://www.fortyfivedownstairs.com/whatson.php

Just got a text from Dollface.
'I have a massive craving for the mountains.
U wanna climb a Dandenong tomorrow?'
I reply with
'YES, and life gets better.'

Looking forward to the country air,
the great outdoors,
and screaming
"Its fucking shite being Scottish"
to the wind.

So what now?
I'd better put the lottery on for tonight,
as I need some money for rent and food I guess,
to live this lifestyle I've now chosen.

The back of my mind
begs the question
the the front of my mind
pretends not to hear.

shhh....hi C, everything okay? shhh.... just that you seem a little...
and i shhh...thought maybe.. um... shhh...
are you going, uh.... shhh....
do you wonder shhh... if you're going through a... uh... mid-life crisis?
because its okay if you are... shhh...
you can talk about it with me if you like...
we can come up with a solution.... shhh...

I don't imagine for a second I am.
I just want to see what happens,
when I throw everything away.

I've done it before.
and I'll do it again.

Nothing much happens.
But I'm always glad I did.